THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Eric Hyman says his success is only matched by his humility

This story is fake, so do NOT take it too serious!

You would think having the Gamecock Athletic Department in the best shape it has ever been and defeating the NCAA would make Eric Hyman cocky.  “Not so,” said the USC Athletic Director, who recently held a series of press conferences to let everyone know he doesn’t want credit for the good things happening in Columbia.

Firing off random clichés and sporting a new “Pimp” look, Hyman tried not to sound too cocky.  “Yeah, Old Eric understands that this ain’t about Eric.  Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, which for my Clemson friends means Either I will find a way or I will make one.”

Holding a dog leash connected to a collared Ron Morris, Hyman said he didn’t want to spend much time talking about himself so questions would be limited to 4 hours.  Then while the first question was being asked, he interrupted and started quoting everyone from Nietzsche to Gandhi to modern urban culture.  

“I am not perfect folks.  Eric Hyman has made mistakes, including doubting Eric Hyman at times.  If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes into you.  You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom.  Do not fault the successful participant in a flawed system; try instead to discern and rebuke that aspect of its organization which allows or encourages the behavior that has provoked your displeasure.”

When confused reporters asked for clarification about the last quote, Hyman laughed loudly and said, “Don’t hate the Playa, hate the game!”  After strutting through a powerpoint slideshow about his life, Hyman closed out the press conference with a brief statement.  “Yes, I exude excellence and we all know this.  But this Luke Skywalker has had his Obi-Wans too, and humility is what must always be at my center.  Peace out from the E-H.”