GAMECOCK Tidbits: North Carolina asks for changes to format of game against Gamecocks

Tar Heels coach Larry Fedora, concerned for his players’ safety as they open the season in Columbia against the SEC’s South Carolina Gamecocks, has asked for some “mercy” changes to the format of the game.  “I can’t let my guys just go out and get slaughtered in a few weeks so I am asking for some reasonable changes to the game in the spirit of safety.”  

Fedora says instead of full-contact action with 11 players on each side, both schools should put 5 players out in just jerseys and shorts.  Also, the game should be played in an “arena” of some kind.  Finally, the Heels want to adjust the way you score points from the traditional “touchdown/field goal/safety” format.  “I think we should try and throw a rounded out sphere-like football through a metal rim attached to some netting.  And those types of touchdowns should only get you 2 or 3 points, depending on the kind of pass thrown that puts the ball through said rim.”  

If the Gamecocks won’t agree to the changes, Fedora says he will then challenge Steve Spurrier to see whose team can dance around the Maypole in the most creative way. 

MOO U News: MLB gives Dabo lifetime ban

Major League Baseball has been in the news a lot lately suspending its stars for using steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs.  They went a step further than expected, however, by giving a lifetime ban to a College Football Coach who has never been a part of their sport.  Clemson Coach Dabo Swinney, known for his insane statements and erratic behavior, has been told he can never be a part of baseball. 

Commissioner Bud Selig wanted to make absolutely sure that someone as unhinged as Swinney could never do anything to hurt the American Pastime.  “Yes, we don’t often take action against Coaches at the amateur level in other sports,” said Selig, who said he felt a moral obligation to protect the diamond from someone as nutty as Dabo.  “It just had to be done.  Dabo is the kind of person that kind of stays right on the brink of losing his mind.  I mean, at any moment could just lose it and start flinging his poop around.”  

Selig added that Dabo’s unearned confidence about the upcoming Tigers’ football season was the final straw.  “Anyone who thinks an ACC team is a threat to win a national title or have a player win the Heisman needs serious psychological counseling.  We will pray he gets the help he needs but we don’t want him in baseball.” 

This year is about Shaw and our LBs more than Clowney

Connor Shaw

No one loves Jadeveon Clowney more than the Cockabooster.  I have a picture of #7 with my 7-year old as my screen-saver.  And yes, I have enjoyed the over-saturation of media hype that has built his legendary status up across the nation.  But with all due respect to Clowney, we know exactly what we’re going to get from him: an intimidating pass rush and opposing offenses that are obsessed with stopping him.  Love it, love it, love everything about it and I can’t wait for another season of it.  

But if you’re being honest, that isn’t going to determine the fate of 2013.  There are two other questions that loom MUCH larger than Clowney in my humble opinion:  1. What will we get from 3 brand new linebackers?; 2. Can Connor Shaw lead us to victory in Athens?  I think everyone would agree with the first question, but I get some push-back about Shaw.  Well, like it or not, there is going to be a game this season (*cough* Athens *cough*) where an SEC team is going to make #14 beat them.  

Connor Shaw is already one of the best quarterbacks in Gamecock history.  That fact is not debatable.   And if we’re talking about playing at home he has been immaculate.  No question.  He even has the two bowl wins to his credit even if Dylan Thompson saved us in the last one.  

However, he has one large, gaping hole in his story: He has never gone into a premiere road den of hostility and led USC to a win.  His best true road wins as a starter are at Miss. State (Alshon saved us after a terrible day) and a 14-3 lackluster win at Tennessee after they had given up for the season.  Add in that during his time, Shaw has been bailed out at times by a gunslinger or two, and you can see why the book on him is still a bit iffy.  Garcia bailed him out of a potential embarrassing opening loss as a starter against East Carolina and Dylan Thompson had to step in at Clemson and at the Outback Bowl.  

Then there were the trips to Fayetteville, Baton Rouge and Gainesville that are the Garnet Elephant in the Room that no one wants to discuss.  Carolina fans may not like hearing it, but if the Shaw from those games is the one we take to Athens, we will not have a chance to win.  If it’s the confident, sharp Shaw we get in Williams-Brice we’re good to go.  Just ask Georgia themselves.  Connor carved up the Dawgs by any definition…at home.  That night was one of the finest games in the program’s history.  

Now I acknowledge that, depending on how good some other road opponents end up (Arkansas, Mizzou and Rocky Top), Shaw could actually get two shots at landing a signature road win.  But come on!  It’s all about how he looks between the hedges at this point.  Georgia is desperate for a win over USC and will throw everything they have at the Gamecocks.  Georgia isn’t being saved by the schedule this year so for once this game will probably decide the division winner.  

So win this game Connor and the word legend will start getting attached to your name in Columbia, along with the name Clowney.   Go get em #14!

It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!

More MOO U News: Dabo quietly arranging to seek asylum in Columbia after 5th straight loss

When Clemson loses its 5th straight game to South Carolina this November, Dabo Swinney will not be able to safely return to Tigertown.  These feelings were best expressed by Clemson Scholar and strawberry picker Cletus Bellybutton of Six Mile.  “He may think he’s the best moon pie in the still, but I ain’t choppin no more chesters.  Calling a fig a banana don’t get you no fritters.  Boy has to know that boy has to go.” 

As a result of that well-articulated threat, Swinney has been negotiating with officials at Carolina to be given asylum in Columbia following the game.  Dabo has done more than any Clemson coach ever to help build the Gamecock football program, and he is confident he will be protected.  “They know how much I have done for them and all I will need is a barn with some fresh hay.  It’s all good.”

MOO U News: Dabo and Tajh say Clowney needs to tweet or rant!

Clemson fans were outraged and offended this week when Gamecock star Jadeveon Clowney answered a question with an honest answer at the SEC Media Days.  “We made it very clear that if you’re going to trash talk in this state, we prefer you go on a staged rant or hide on twitter,” said Dabo, Clemson’s football coach and toe-jam chef.  “This guy is out of control.”  

The Tigers’ quarterback (who last year ran his “twitter” mouth about the Gamecock defense before he was planted like a crop repeatedly into the Death Valley turf by said defense) also responded to Clowney’s opinion by referring to himself repeatedly in the third person.  “Tajh Boyd can’t be concerned about what someone else is saying about Tajh Boyd,” said Tajh Boyd.  “Instead, Tajh Boyd must do what Tajh Boyd can to make Tajh Boyd the best Tajh Boyd that Tajh Boyd can be…Tajh Boyd.” 

Swimming in the deep end of the pool

Is South Carolina ready?

Okay Gamecock fans, we have what we’ve always wanted:  respect and a real opportunity.  Carolina is 22-4 over the last two seasons; we are in everyone’s top 10; we are picked by some in the credible media to actually win the SEC; we have a long-shot Heisman candidate winning an ESPY and saturated with national media; we are hated by our rivals for the right reasons for a change-  we beat them every year.  In short, we are the dog that has caught the car bumper.  

I have lived long enough to see us morph from a program that used to wildly celebrate a big upset every couple of years to a team that would view a 9-3 record as a complete failure.  A team that has moved from tearing down the goalposts after beating New Mexico State (true story) to a team that would implode over a close loss in Athens in September.  A team that had not won back-to-back games against Clemson in 40 years to a team that is salivating over the prospect of a fifth-straight win over the once-proud orange kitties.  For good measure, compared to previous seasons our schedule is actually sort-of fair compared to our peers.  It may not be a “perfect” chance but it’s as close to perfect as I have seen. 

Older Gamecock fans (if they are being honest) can only see the land mines on the path and are scared of what happens if we hit one.  I am a pretty negative “old-school” fan at heart, so I admit I think this way.  I ask myself all the time things like, “Can we win big with all new linebackers?”  “Do we have enough depth in the secondary?”  “Can Connor Shaw actually win in Athens?” “Can we survive the three-game road stretch” You get the idea.  

Meanwhile, as I have talked about in other columns, younger Gamecock fans are used to all the winning and success and are only excited about the good stuff.  Instead of my paranoid questions, they are asking things like, “Will I be able to get a ticket to the national title game?”  “Which SEC West team will we beat in Atlanta this year?”  “Will Clemson keep Dabbles after we beat them for the fifth straight time?”  Heck I wish I was like that and I am happy for them.  

But whether you are a Linus or a Pigpen, you know this is our best shot at joining the national elite for good.  We have had individual teams that have earned national respect but it didn’t last.  For example, I still view that 1987 team as one of the best we ever had and they had only 8 wins and 4 losses!  This team has a serious chance to get to 12 wins or more.  Can you imagine a group of seniors leaving Columbia with 44-10 record, an 8-0 mark against Clemson and Georgia, 2 SEC East Titles, 3 bowl wins, and SEC Championship, etc.?  

Things are as good as they have ever been in Columbia and it’s time to grab the gold. 

It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!

WARNING...2013 could be just like 2011

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I know that I am viewed as a “pessimistic” or “negative” Gamecock fan sometimes and that’s a fair accusation some of the time.  But often it is honestly an objective analysis of the facts in front of me that folks don’t want to hear.  If you’re being honest about the first couple of weeks in the upcoming football season, there is a VERY plausible scenario that could happen which isn’t good for Carolina.  At least early in the season.   

Georgia enters this year completely obsessed with beating USC if for no other reason than shutting up our fan base.  They aren’t used to having a three-game losing streak to the Gamecocks, Spurrier or not.  Oh but what about their trip to Clemson you ask?  First, not a conference game.  Second, when was the last time Clemson was relevant in Georgia’s eyes (or anyone’s eyes outside of Heather Dinich or whatever her last name is)?  Third, Clemson feels that a win over Georgia would confirm that their win over LSU meant something.  Fourth, Georgia as usual will have most of their team in jail and missing the first game.  So if you’re being honest, how can you not pick Georgia to lose to Clemson that first weekend?   It won’t even be that close in my opinion.  And it won’t mean ANYTHING later in the year. 

Then Georgia turns around, after being angry and shellacked in a game they didn’t care about, and get the game they are completely focused on with Carolina.  They will be back at full-strength, at home and absolutely drooling fired-up.  AND Connor Shaw has yet to show he can lead the Gamecocks on the road into that kind of environment and get a win.  So if you’re being honest, it is VERY plausible, if not likely, that the first two weeks end with Clemson at 2-0 and Carolina and Georgia each 1-1.

That would be similar to 2011.  Then, Clemson caught Auburn napping up in Tigertown and whipped them by 14.  Carolina lost to Auburn at home during the week that Eric Hyman was completing his crucifixion of Stephen Garcia (following Garcia’s Grandfather’s funeral).  Everyone in Tigertown went Ape-Poopy with delight thinking that meant the USC resurgence was over.   The Tigers roared into the Top 5 and Clemson was 8-0!  And the Gamecocks ended up trouncing them 34-13. 

It stinks that scheduling luck and fate have set things up this way, but the good news is that we have a Coach that handles nonsense like this perfectly.  Dabo will inevitably pull a Dabo at some point even with the start listed above and the rest of the season will go accordingly.  You can set your watch to the predictability.
 

Yes, yes, this is all a worst-case scenario and hopefully I will be wrong on all counts.  I haven’t made my season game-by-game predictions yet so I might feel differently in August.  But the good news is that even if this does play out I don’t see Carolina losing but 2 games.  Three tops.  If 9-3 is considered a total failure in the SEC and at Williams-Brice, then we’ve come a long way baby! 

It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!

Lou Holtz and Mark May weigh in on Future Olympic Sites

The Committee that selects future host Cities for the Olympic Games got some unexpected advice this week.  ESPN College Football commentators Mark May and Lou Holtz got into a heated argument over which cities would be best for the 2022 Winter and 2024 Summer events.  “I don’t think there is any question that South Bend, Indiana should get the winter games and Columbia, SC the summer,” said Holtz, whose comments caused May to go ballistic in response.  “You’re out of your mind old man,” noted May who countered with two locations of his own.  “First off, Pittsburgh is a much better winter town and is already rumored for the 2026 winter games, so just look at the facts.  And for my money, Athens, Georgia gets the summer.  Athens?  Hello?”

We asked Mr. Vitali Smirnov of Russia, a prominent member of the International Olympic Committee what he thought of May and Holtz’s suggestions.  “I would rather watch them than Brent Musberger and Mike Tirico.  Vodka helps.”  

497,853 people in the world still don’t know Clowney

THE HIT!

ESPN and Steve Spurrier have spent the off-season trying to promote  Gamecock star Jadeveon Clowney, but those efforts may be falling short.  Of the roughly 7 billion humans on the Earth, there are nearly half a million left that have never heard of #7 or seen the clip of his Outback Bowl hit against Michigan.  “Yeah, there are a bunch of folks in Belarus who we haven’t reached yet and I feel bad about that,” said Spurrier. 

The Head Ball Coach thinks the problem can be corrected by the time August practices start.  “There is a problem with our media outreach efforts in Minsk and Baranavinchy and we’re working on it.   We’ll get there.”  If Spurrier does complete the task, he will be allowed to beat up Nick Saban with a tire iron for 15 minutes before the kickoff against North Carolina.  

MORE MOO U News: Frank Howard under siege for mistreatment of his rock

Made-Up Story...Again...Don't Get Too Upset Clemson-ites!

New evidence has surfaced that former Clemson football coach Frank Howard used to use his famous rock as a “door-stop,” and that has rabid Tiger fans beside themselves.  Jimmy Don Spittle, an honors graduate from Moo U and Iva resident, could not believe the news.  “How would Coach Howard feel if he knew someone once used his rock that way?  I think we should immediately take Coach Howard’s name off the stadium.”  

Spittle says Coach Howard made it clear that anyone not giving a billion percent should keep their filthy hands off that rock.  “That includes Coach Howard, and he didn’t live up to his words.  I think we owe it to a legend like Frank Howard to make sure that his name is never associated with a hypocrite like Frank Howard.  He had a losing record to the Gamecocks too.”