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| THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!
AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --
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In a stunning upset, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences awarded the 2012 Oscar for “Actor in a Leading Role” to Dabo Swinney for his incredible scripted performance misquoting Steve Spurrier following the South Carolina-Clemson game in 2011. Swinney hoped to be the first active head football coach to win the award, and says the historic moment overwhelmed him. He broke down on stage when accepting the trophy in the same manner as Halle Berry.
“This gives hope to every football coach who has had his rear end handed to him three straight seasons by his arch-rival that you can come up with a way to distract your fan base,” said Swinney, who says it won’t be his last time at the podium. “I am not Lane Kiffin...I am not able to leave for another job out west. I have to keep these folks up here fooled, or I am back to selling cars.”
Swinney says that he drew inspiration for his short film from such media ploys as Richard Nixon’s “Checkers” speech and Ted Kennedy’s press conference following Chappaquiddick. “I can’t be a 1-note organ like Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny. I have to be ready to do this again next year to save my hide.” Rumors are circulating that Swinney has been in talks with Penn & Teller for more ways to use sleight of hand and misdirection to keep the fans in Orange riled up in the fall.
“Yeah, I got some stuff in the works, but for tonight I just want to enjoy this moment. Me, Lindsay Lohan and Nick Nolte are going to White Castle and we may run into Jeff Goldblum.”
THE OFFICIAL DABO THEME SONG...
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