Clemson custodial staff joins assistant football coaches as highest paid in the nation

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

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In an effort to have every single employee be named the highest paid ever at their respective jobs, Clemson has given their custodial employees a 345% pay increase.  Tiger President Jimmy Carnival Barker was quite pleased with the janitorial move, and popped in a pull of Red Man plug in celebration.  “When you throw money at problems it fixes them.  That’s the Clemson way.  Our janitors will now be better at cleaning up vomit and trash because we overpay them.” 

This isn’t the first time the upstate school has wasted money to try and fix problems.  After Clemson’s football team gave up 70 points to West Virginia and 34 to Carolina, they went out and hired a defensive coordinator whose defense was actually worse than the Tigers and made him one of the highest paid coaches in the nation. 

Clemson Athletic Director Terry Don Enus Billy Bob Thornton Phillips says that even if they aren’t the best in their field and haven’t produced results that warrant exorbitant pay, the University believes that making them the richest in the world will fix the football problems.  “An overpaid and bloated staff is always the way to go, as we’ve seen in the Federal Government.  More money is always the solution, not results on the field,” said Phillips who went on to predict big things for the Tigers in 2012.  “Yes, we now believe we will be able to beat a team other than Virginia Tech that has some credibility nationwide.  Fans have a right to expect that.” 

Dabo Swinney was asked to comment about the recent cash dump, and he immediately declared himself the Willy Wonka of Pickens County.  “Happy Oompa Loompas win football games and we now have the fattest and happiest oompa loompas in the world.”  Swinney then opened an umbrella and began skipping away from the podium singing “I’ve got a golden ticket.”