THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Carolina and Clemson wage fierce battle to win “dumbest hire” award

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!



AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

USC COMPLIANCE - Chris Rogers

The 2012 battle to make the stupidest possible athletic hire appeared to be a runaway victory for the Tigers.  When searching for a Defensive Coordinator, the Upstate Kittens found one of the few Defensive Coordinators whose defense was actually worse than Clemson’s this year.  At that point, everyone assumed that Clemson had “dumbest hire” wrapped up. 

“NOT SO FAST,” said the Gamecocks.  The Columbia Cluckers were in need of a new NCAA Compliance Officer.  Internally the discussion began about how this opening could be used to top Clemson in stupidity.  In what can only be described as a boldly moronic move, Carolina got its man from Ohio State University.   

USC President Harris Pastides says the move shows that Carolina stands prepared to be as stupid as is needed to match its rivals in Pickens County.  “I know there are some who doubt our commitment to dumb moves in our Athletic Department.  By going to Ohio State to find our NCAA compliance person, those concerns should be eliminated.”  

CLEMSON AD - Terry Don Phillips

Clemson AD Terry Don Billy Bob Rufus R. Jones Phillips says Clemson will step up its stupidity if needed to keep the Tiggers in the running.  “I still think Venables is the dumber hire by far.  Our defense gives up 70 in a bowl game and we respond by hiring a coordinator who is worse than the one we had.  Tweet that!” 

Regardless of who ends up winning both fan bases can feel comfortable that dumb decisions are alive and well in Columbia and Clemson for years to come.