OPENING DAY TRIBUTE TO RAY TANNER!

Long live Ray Tanner!

738 wins, 10 Super-Regionals, 6 trips to Omaha, 4 trips to the Championship game or round, and 2 National Championships.  Well-done Coach.   Other coaches may accomplish more in a sport at the University of South Carolina.  Time will tell.  But for historic purposes, Ray Tanner was the first person to lead a team in a men’s major sport to the promised land.  That can’t ever be challenged.   

So many folks have forgotten how the Tanner love-fest actually began in Columbia.  Most people think it was the run to the 1st title with Bayler-ball and the wins over Oklahoma, Clemson and UCLA.    I understand why some feel that way.  But for us “old-school” fans, we’ll never forget the importance of the 2000 season.  

Think back to January of 2000.  Gamecock Athletics were at their lowest point ever and in the sewer.  The football team had just gone 0-11.  The basketball team had lost twice in the 1st round of the NCAAs and had collapsed in 1999.  Meanwhile, baseball was quietly about to start the fourth season under Ray Tanner.  Tanner had been slowly building a program that had radically declined at the end of the June Raines era.  

The bottom line is that USC fans had given up hope.  Sure, sure, lots of them now claim they never did but hogwash!  It was just a crappy time.  Then Kip Bouknight, Peter Bauer, Scott Barber, Trey Dyson and others saved us.  I’m not over-estimating that either.  Under Coach Tanner, that baseball team saved the morale at my alma mater.  

All the frustration, all the negativity, all the anger and everything else bad just went away.   2 huge wins over Clemson that year were just what the doctor ordered.  The one in Columbia where Dyson had the big hit still ranks as one of my favorite moments of all time.  You just can’t understand how that season was if you weren’t a fan who had lived through all that other stuff.  

Before anyone howls too loudly, I get it that we didn’t get to Omaha that year, and that we went on to knock Clemson out of Omaha twice and that we won the two championships later.  I’m not ignoring any of that.  I’m just saying that we never would have seen that magical end without that miraculous beginning.  And it did feel miraculous at the time. 

So yes, I did tear up a bit yesterday as Coach Tanner had his number retired.  Yes, the players doing their tributes, the naming of Ray Tanner Way and even Coach’s comments after the game got to me.  Matt Price coming in to close it out one last time was an especially nice touch.  

As a Daddy of a 6-year old I am sure glad my boy is becoming a Gamecock fan now.  Hopefully he’ll never have to live through what I did growing up in the Garnet and Black.  But along with all those scars he’s avoided, there are two memories I’ll have on him:  Big George’s Heisman Run in 1980 and Ray Tanners Magic in 2000.  Thank you so much Coach Tanner!

It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!

CRANKSHAFT NEWS: Top 10 things Jadeveon Clowney will do if he sits out this season

THIS IS A FAKE STORY, DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

Sitting out the season?  What would he do to bide his time?

10.          Finish that macramé sweater he’s been knitting for Bruce Ellington
 

9.            Pen an essay illustrating the contrast between “conceit” as a literary device from the metaphysical poets and the theory of wit from English writers.
 

8.            Set out with an animal sidekick to solve mysteries in Florida.
 

7.            Become an expert of both the Carinosa dance of love and the bunny hop.
 

6.            Still find a way to sack Tajh Boyd even from the stands.
 

5.            That dream summer job as an auctioneer at Christie’s.
 

4.            Bake up the world’s zestiest hot vanilla soufflé.
 

3.            Watch every episode and movie from “Sex and the City.” (JD is such a Miranda)
 

2.            Join a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band

1.            Sudoku Puzzles!  (Medium Level)

Crankshaft Gazette: Frank Martin irate after horrible dinner!

THIS IS A FAKE STORY.  DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

YOU CALL THIS A PORK CHOP!??!!?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 

Last week, Gamecock head basketball coach Frank Martin thought he was sitting down at a friend’s house to eat some delicious pork chops with apple sauce for dinner.  Instead, the evening turned into a disaster.  “I can’t believe I have to eat something that tastes this bad,” said Martin, who is never afraid to make his strong opinions known.  “I mean, if you’re going to invite someone over to a meal, you should have some passion and fire about the food you’re cooking.  This is the worst pile of %#$@!^ garbage I have ever put in my mouth!!” 

Martin then went on to point out all the flaws he noticed in the friend’s home.  “I go into the can and there aren’t any %&^#%! decorative soaps!  Are you freaking kidding me?  And that #@^$%^# hand towel couldn’t dry a fly’s *** in the desert.”  When it was pointed out that Martin was being kind of harsh to his hosts, the fiery coach screamed that he was just being honest.  “Look I only know one speed baby and that is first-gear excellence!!  Don’t grab a pile of dog-#$~!@ off the road, plop it on my plate and tell me it’s a pork-chop!”  Martin went on to say that he enjoyed the evening overall and that parking was ample.  

MOO U News: Jack Leggett skips first Clemson game to make sure Tanner not coaching!

WARNING FOR TIGGER FANS.... THIS IS A FAKE STORY!! DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

Leggett wondering if this really took place?!?!

Clemson baseball coach Jack Leggett has been celebrating since he first got the news that Ray Tanner was giving up coaching baseball at Carolina.  So much so that the embattled Tiger skipper missed the Clemson opener against William and Mary just to make sure the Tanner era was over.  “Yep, they named a road after Ray and retired his number so he is out.  Thank goodness!”  

Tanner had made Leggett look foolish for a number of years and at one point Jack thought he was just going to lose it.  Now that Ray is gone, Leggett hopes his fortunes against the Gamecocks will change.  “I plan to do all sorts of mind-games and trash-talk to Chad Holbrook.  We’ve got to win that first one over him.”  

If the Tiggers do beat the Gamecocks in the Friday night game this year, many feel Leggett will retire right there on the spot.  He could then say he went out on top. 

MOO U News: Dabo angry that no one is asking Sammy to sit out!

THIS IS FAKE ...MADE UP...NOT TRUE.   DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!!

Clemson head football coach and meth-addict Dabo Swinney took to the airwaves this week to protest all the national discussion about Jadeveon Clowney and whether or not he should sit out the season.  Swinney noticed that no one gives a rip about what Sammy Watkins is doing.  Swinney is happy that Clowney may not play in the fall of course, as he watched #7 plant Tajh Boyd into the Death Valley turf repeatedly in November.  But he thinks the same kind of attention should be paid to his former star wide receiver. 

“If we could have found Sammy in Panama City, he would be saying this himself but he's the one who should sit out.  He’s just as good as Clowney,” claimed Swinney.  “If it weren’t for Sammy, well, I don’t really have a way to finish that sentence but in my mind the two situations are the same.”  

The only league that seems to be worried about Sammy’s health is the “Peruvian Dancing Dust League” down in Lima, but Dabo thinks the NFL is making the wrong call.  “Sure Clowney seems like he’s in good shape and a decent player but Sammy is a wide-receiver with personal behavior issues and a massive ego.  When have you ever seen one of those in pro ball?” 

Cockabooster nominated for “Least Informative Website” Oscar Award

Will The Cock-A-Booster bring home the treasured award this year??

The Academy of Reduced Budget Motion Pictures and Low Information Web addresses has released their 2013 nominees for nearly 100 categories including “Least Informative Website.”  The Cockabooster was nominated for the 2nd straight year and this could be the year we land the trophy.  

“I am so proud of the folks we have managed to both irritate and make laugh at the same time,” said Cockabooster Emporer Teddy Felder.  “Anyone who takes the time to read this site means so much to us and they will leave knowing a little less about the world in which they live! This is very exciting.” 

Felder went on to say that the mistakes that caused The Cockabooster to not win last year have been corrected.  “Yes, Tigernet.com may have edged us out before but not anymore.  I can be as dumb as those guys any day of the week.”  This year’s list of nominees include:  Cockabooster.com, Tigernet.com, IsItAnAardvark.net, WhyYouShouldNotEatPaste.org and BillTheCatSingsBobDylan.com. 

Clemson releases new “all backs” strategy for 2013

This is a fake article...PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

After signing  42 skill position players this year and 1 lineman that no one else wanted, Dabo Swinney knew he had to spin the results to his liking.  “Yes, we plan to play 11 defensive backs on defense and 11 receivers on offense.  Instead of ‘all in’ at Clemson we are going with ‘all backs’ moving forward.”  

Clemson has kept themselves in the headlines in recent years by signing several “5-star” players that were purchased in Florida.  They all fizzle out once they get to the upstate, but this maneuver  gives them a nice team recruiting ranking on national signing day.  “Look, we know we can’t beat South Carolina on the field anymore so why not do this?  Our fans have shown they are dumb enough to believe whatever I say in the past.  They’ll love this.”  

We asked some random Tiger boosters what they thought of winning yet another preseason state championship.  “Dabby knows what he’s doing,” said Rhetta Gritseed, part-time vending machine cleaner in Belton.  “If he thinks playing a wide receiver at offensive tackle will get it done I believe him.”  Walt Cooterbred of Easley, retired oil filter recycler, agrees.  “I think it’s high time we see what a cornerback can do along the defensive line.”

Dabo says the key to keeping people asleep in Tigertown is hoping Georgia gives away a game to Clemson like LSU did, and Cooterbred is confident it will happen.  “I got both of my fingers crossed.”  

Cockabooster accused of rampant steroid-blogging

Lottoburger!!!  YUMMY!

We all know how powerful the Cockabooster has been over the years, but was the strength of the site enhanced by performance-enhancing blogging?  I decided to seek an interview with myself to get the truth.  I knew that landing an interview with me would be tough, so I went to a location I was sure I would be eventually:  Arri’s Grill in Aiken.  Patiently I waited until sure enough I showed up looking for a Lottoburger with Jalapeno’s.  

Finally I agreed to sit down and address the charges once and for all with myself.  I had this to say:  “At no time did I knowingly participate in performance-enhancing blogging.  For anyone to suggest that steroids have aided my writing is unfair and hurtful.  My sense of humor comes from a long history of eating Captain Crunch as a child, watching many episodes of Cheers as a teenager and pulling for the Gamecocks since birth.  I fully and categorically deny these charges and I hope this ends any debate about the authenticity of the insanity this blog produces on a sometimes-weekly basis.”  

I went on to babble for an hour about a variety of random topics like why NewsRadio was underrated and how it’s time to forgive  Mr. Pibb for changing cans. 

You have to love Steve Spurrier

I can relate so much to what my Tiger friends are going through right now.  Through much of the first 35 years of my life, I would always look to recruiting to make me feel better about us losing to Clemson.    The Gamecocks were at one time “Wide Receiver U” with names like Sterling Sharpe, Robert Brooks, Troy Williamson and others rolling through Columbia.  We had some exciting running backs, quarterbacks, etc. who donned the Garnet and Black.  

There were several years in there where we would top Clemson in the rankings because they were focused on defense and linemen.  You know, boring stuff that doesn’t grab headlines.  Meanwhile, we were the sexy team with the glitter that constantly was “on the rise.”  My Tiger friends would just sit there, shake their heads and chuckle as I would proclaim that we were winning the recruiting wars.  

Fast forward to today and I can tell you it is MUCH better on this side of the line, especially when you have a guy like Steve Spurrier holding court with the press and painting the picture beautifully.  Spurrier never has a filter when he speaks and his comments on signing day were just right.  He talked about how we aren’t a team (anymore) that makes idiots of themselves celebrating in February.  We instead just let our talking happen in the fall at Williams-Brice.  Amen.   That in and of itself makes the point but he added a zinger just for some icing on the cake when he pointed out the teams who are doing that type of signing day celebrating are the ones who are disappointed with their season.  Ouch!  

One of my favorite movies ever is “The Three Amigos.”  From that movie I have stolen a line over the years that fits Carolina and Clemson today.  “Everyone in life has an ‘El Guapo’ to face.”  Steve Martin went on to talk about how illiteracy was the El Guapo for some while for them it was an actual mean guy named El Guapo who wanted to kill them.  Well for Dabo Swinney, his El Guapo is the Gamecocks and he knows it.  No, winning the “Aunt Cindy Conference” title means nothing.  Nothing.  And he knows that.  And no, having LSU flounder around and screw up 500 times to allow you to eek out a 1-point Peach Bowl win means nothing.  Nothing.  And he knows that too.  Can Clemson beat South Carolina?  That’s Dabo’s El Guapo.  

Don’t misunderstand, Spurrier has one as well.  Carolina has to win the SEC Championship.  We know that.  Yes, it’s a much harder El Guapo to take down, but that’s the way it is.  Yes, when you put both “El Guapos” side by side, Clemson’s seems like iliiteracy and our seems like the guy trying to kill us but that’s where we are.  We are at the big boy table and these are the fleas that come with that dog.  

“My little buttercup has the sweetest….”  (Okay I’m stopping now with the movie references.)  It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!