The Crankshaft Gazette: Young Gamecock Fans getting tired of 9 and 11-win seasons

THIS IS A MADE UP (FAKE) STORY...Do not take it too serious!
As a matter of fact...don't take anything we say too serious!

 

Jeremy Frakline
(OK, Not Really! - Just picture we found!
Yes, we know he is probably not 7!)

Jeremy Frankline of Elgin is a 7-year old Gamecock fan who loves football in Columbia but he’s had enough of settling for 11-win seasons.  “I’ve been watching football since I was 4 years old,” said Frankline, who is ready for something better.  “I mean it’s nice to be in the Top 10 all the time, winning bowl games and destroying Clemson every year, but it’s time for more.”  

Frankline bristles at the idea that he has never faced adversity like older Gamecock fans.  “How can you say that?  We actually lost to Clemson when I was 2 years old, and we only won 9 games three years ago.  I’ve been through the rough times.”  

Jeremy laughs when his Dad tries to tell him about the past.  The elder Frankline points out that as of 2005, he had lived through a 8-26 stretch against the Tigers.  “My Dad was born in 1971.  That is freaking old dude.  I don’t care what happened in ancient times like that.  That was back when Cher was in her 60s.”

The Crankshaft Gazzette: Steve Spurrier thinks he could beat Clowney in just about anything

THIS IS A MADE UP (FAKE) STORY...Do not take it too serious!
As a matter of fact...don't take anything we say too serious!

Gamecock football Coach Steve Spurrier acknowledges that standout Defensive End Jadeveon Clowney is a special athlete, but he still thinks he could take him.  “Yeah, old Clowney is a good one, no question.  But I think the Head Ball Coach could still take him.  He’s no Spurrier.”  

Clowney is being touted by some as a long-shot Heisman Award candidate, but Spurrier says that isn’t going to happen.  “Nah, you can’t do enough on defense to win the Heisman so he won’t get it.  You need to be a quarterback from Tennessee who plays at Florida to really be a Heisman winner.  Somebody like me.”  

Spurrier admits that Clowney is younger than him and maybe in a little bit better shape, but that wouldn’t be enough to overcome the aura he gives off as Spurrier.  “He’ll be a good one, but I am here to remind him he’s got a long way to go.  Clowney is Lex Luger or Arn Anderson maybe, but I’m the Nature Boy of College Football.”   

WE ARE BACK! - After a short break!

Okay, my friends, I am rested and ready to return to the Cockabooster. We will be posting some new material in the upcoming weeks!

COCK-A-BOOSTER ON SPRING BREAK!

We are taking a short break from the BLOG...so, please check back in late April.

Given the time, Martin WILL get us there!

This blog makes fun of everyone so I appreciate any coach that gives material for me to work with like Frank Martin.  But as a Gamecock fan, I really like the guy and fully believe he is going to be the coach that finally reawakens our hoops program.  Now if you are the type of Gamecock fan that only sees the negative and you refuse to look for good signs then you should just stop reading right now.  We get it:  you’re never happy and you love speaking loudly about how you are smart enough to be not happy.  Good for you and now please move along.  

For the rest of us, we like what we see with Coach Martin.  The guy is brutally honest about where we are and makes it crystal-clear that he is working his tail off to change that.  Yes, if you’re going to have a bad basketball season, tell us that up front and show us that you’re going to fix it.  Frank Martin does that. 

Take the loss to Georgia yesterday afternoon.  First of all, can Georgia win anything without the SEC’s help?  Seriously?  First the SEC East in football is gift-wrapped to Athens by “random” scheduling.  Then the officials somehow cannot see what every human on earth could during hoops:  Carolina should have had 8.9 seconds left to run their last possession.  Yes that was it.  That simple.  No there is no other thing to say about it.  

But I digress.  Even during the “loss” you could see how Coach Martin is draining every bit of effort from these players.  They are starting to get the idea:  play hard and be thankful for the chance or get out of Columbia.  Yes, we may have some growing pains as a result early on but we’re better off for the long haul.  In SEC hoops, you have three paths for success:  You can do the dirty recruiting stuff like they do in Florida, you can be Kentucky or you can slowly build a winner over time.  

You can see that option 3 is what Martin is going to do and I am glad.  I don’t expect “instant national titles” from USC hoops.  I just want to see improvement.  It’s not going to be easy.  Due to the success Steve Spurrier and Ray Tanner had in their respective sports the same is expected from Coach Martin and that’s unfair.  Both of those legends were given the time, support and facilities they needed to get there.  Through no fault of his own that won’t be the case for Coach Martin.  

Here’s hoping he is still our coach in five years.  I like him and I like what he’s doing.  To quote Shooter from Hoosiers, “I been watching the way you’ve been breaking the colts” Coach and I like what I see.  

It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!

CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Frank Martin and Brad Brownell release Easter Album to boost income

The Gamecock and Tiger Basketball coaches have had reality hit them in the face in recent weeks.  Gamecock Coach Frank Martin joined Tiger head man Brad Brownell for a cocktail recently, and the two men were both lamenting that basketball in the Palmetto State wasn’t a good long-term income plan.  So they have teamed up to make what is sure to be one of the top 50 Easter Albums in 2013 as an income boost.  

“Look, everyone is scared to death of Frank, and no one knows who the heck I am,” said Brownell, who then had to wake up the members of the press corps in attendance.  Martin then explained why he thinks the album is both needed and beneficial to everyone in the state.  “You %$@*# morons don’t appreciate this beautiful $^#-@)^*$% sport we coach, so me and Vanilla Boy here are going to croon!” 

Some of the songs that will highlight the Easter Collection will include:  

• Here Comes Peter Cottontail…and why the North Carolina schools are mean to Clemson! (Brownell)
• You want to color some eggs?  I have some eggs you can color pal!  (Martin)
• Happy Day- is when someone will acknowledge my team beat the Gamecocks! (Brownell)
• Jellybeans and Chocolate- If we give these away at games, will that get you off your fat butts and to a basketball game?  (Martin)
•  Let’s pretend we’re bunny rabbits- maybe someone will notice us then! (Duet)

Initial reaction to the news was mixed among fans from both schools.  Jethro Prostate, a long-time Gamecock fan from just outside of Eastover, was pleased to hear the news.  “I had no idea we still had a basketball team.  I remember the Grady Wallace year like it was yesterday.  Did they ever paint the Field House?”  Also weighing in was Tiger supporter “Tiny” Tina Slopbucket of Ft. Mill who hopes the album will be a big success.  “We really do need to bring basketball to Clemson again.  I just can’t stand that old Dean Smith.  Not a nice man.” 

CLEMSON TOP TEN....Top 10 signs Jack Legget is about to play Carolina

Top 10 signs Jack Legget is about to play Carolina

 

10.          Constantly throwing darts at a picture of Ray Tanner

9.            Washes those ridiculous white socks over and over in bleach

8.            Practicing that “smile” thing for the press conference after another loss to USC

7.            Extra shock treatments to stop the increased screaming and nightmares

6.            Listens to nothing but Enter Sandman and Megadeath to get him in the mood

5.            Prank calls to Chad Holbrook

4.            Lots of weeping and crying in the fetal position

3.            Asking Tiger fans to just pay attention to basketball.  “Nothing to see here!”

2.            Pulls out his spot-on imitation of John Wayne as a distraction

1.            Bunny-slippers and hot cocoa while watching tapes of “The June Raines Years!”

 

MOO U News: Oscar snub outrages Dabo!

This is a fake story...please do not take it too serious!

Clemson head football coach Dabo Swinney says he did everything he could to win the best actor Oscar this year, but not even being nominated is just ridiculous. “Who did a better job of creating a character while completely making my audience buy into my fantasy as reality? If that’s not acting I don’t know what is.” Swinney especially resented not being on the list while Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman were. “The guy from Hangover? Seriously? He gets on there? That is just crap. Isn’t he the one the naked guy jumped on from the trunk? Or was that the fat guy with the beard? Either way I am better than him ANY day. And Hugh Jackman? Wolverine? Whatever dude!”

Swinney has used a combination of smoke-and-mirrors, a hefty recruiting “budget” in South Florida, a horrible ACC and several staged media rants to completely distract Tiger fans from the reality in which they exist. “I am more popular than Red Man Chaw in Pickens County and I lose every year to Carolina,” noted Swinney, who says he is just following the script of Tiger legend Frank Howard. “Coach Howard had a losing record against the Gamecocks and he has his name on the field! Who knows where they will be writing Dabo before long?”

When asked who should win the award since he is not eligible, Swinney says the stuffed bear from “Ted” made him cry. “Like a modern day Peter Fonda.”

Highlights from GAMES vs. Liberty

Looks like another contender in Columbia!

Chad Holbrook has introduced himself to Gamecocks fans as a head coach now, and we all like what we see.  Former Gamecock Assistant Jim Toman brought a VERY game Liberty squad to Columbia and the fans were treated to a competitive weekend.   Yes, there were a bunch of atypical errors in the field.  Yes, 

Carolina will have to get much better before the late spring and summer.  But overall you have to leave this weekend feeling pretty good about the 2013 YardCocks.  

This was never going to be an “easy” opening weekend.  Put aside whether or not you agree that Liberty is good (They are and the season will show that).  Friday afternoon was a day all about honoring the past.  So much emotion about Ray Tanner had to be processed and it was.  Combine all of that with the new pitching rotation and position players starting their journey to finding a new team voice and you see what they were facing.  

No more Roth.  No more Price.  No more Christian Walker.  And others.  You get the idea.  So we come out of that slate with 2 wins and a very tough 1-run loss.  I’ll take that.  Shoot it may be three or four more weeks before our legs are under us.  (If Jack Leggett has a brain of any kind he’ll take advantage of that but I digress)

This is not going to be Ray Tanner the sequel.  This is Chad Holbrook’s time and this is no easy gig.  When Coach Tanner took the program the wheels had come off and we were in an aging home run box at the Sarge.  We hadn’t won diddly in about 15 years and people had largely forgotten baseball.  Today, we all expect the diamond team to carry the water at USC, there is tremendous focus on our new facilities, and we have a ton of hardware and success. 

You either are stupid or have guts to want that responsibility.  Coach Holbrook is certainly no dummy.  He’s a winner and he has embraced the opportunity.  Good for him.  Guts may not be everything but sometimes it’s enough.  (I think I stole that from Full Metal Jacket or The Simpsons) 

The good news for Holbrook is that the Gamecocks have all the pieces as usual.  “Gumby” Montgomery has a rubber-band rocket of an arm and will be one of the Conference’s best Friday night aces.  We have lots of speed for the small-ball scoring and plenty of depth.  But as always the intangible of chemistry will decide how good we are and that has to play itself out.  If those pieces all come together into a nice finished puzzle we’ll be in Omaha again.  

Regardless, color me confident that the Chad Holbrook era will be viewed as a success when the books are written.  He’s the perfect guy to deal with all the good (and bad) that comes with following #1 at Carolina. 

AMEN, COACH HOLBROOK!!!
It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!