THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Hyman finally snaps over Horn firing!

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!



AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

USC Athletics Director Eric Hyman has been visibly stressed by months of hearing about the pathetic shape of the men’s basketball program in Columbia.  So it was no surprise that he ripped off his shirt, started pulling on his hair and screamed random expletives at the press conference where he announced the firing of Darrin Horn.

Hyman noted as part of his opening remarks that it certainly has been a frustrating process for both he and the fans, and that he understands why there was such a strong push for change.  “If I hear one more jack*** idiot fan mention his name, hear me say right now that I WILL kick you in the *****.  Everyone who has been riding me like Seattle Slew to get rid of this guy, congratulations!  You and all your dadgum minions have your pound of flesh, so LEAVE ME THE **** ALONE!” 

Hyman went on to thank Coach Horn for his service to the University and that he wished the young coach well in his future endeavors.  “Thank the good lord in heaven I can finally stop talking about our ****** basketball team.  I honestly just wish the Colonial Center would implode into a pile of ******* rubble.  I HATE this stupid sport!” 

The Cockabooster’s Ted Felder asked Hyman at the press conference if he had formulated a plan for finding a new coach.  He responded by jumping over the table and strangling Felder with his microphone wire.  Onlookers took the gesture to mean that he would be seeking a high-profile coach possibly with ties to the state for better recruiting.