THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: USC President, Board and AD celebrate terrific basketball season!

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!



AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

Gamecock basketball has never been better according to University officials, who held a public celebration of the program’s success this year.  USC President Harris Pastides was first to the microphone to congratulate Darrin Horn.  “I don’t think anyone thought we’d even get one conference win, much less two.  For this program to be having that kind of success is beyond our wildest expectations from where we were four years ago. Congratulations to all involved.”  Pastides then cracked open several bottles of champagne and sprayed both members of the press that showed up. 

Following up on that, Carolina Athletics Director Eric Hyman lit a giant cigar and was cackling as he boasted about the 2-14 conference season.  “This is not about Eric Hyman.  Eric Hyman is not the kind of guy that takes credit for other people’s success in sports (like Ray Tanner and Steve Spurrier).  Darrin Horn deserves all the credit for this tremendous program.  As my only hire in a men’s major sport, it’s nice to see him enjoying such success.”  

The third leg of the tripod, the USC Board of Trustees, also made it clear that they are more than happy with the product at the Colonial Center.  In a release, the board says that in their minds there were massive ticket sales, huge crowds and an excitement level among students for hoops not seen since the 1970s.  Board spokesman N. Serious Denial explained.  “Look at the Kentucky and Ohio State games.  We had huge crowds at those games, and there were several other nights where we had at least one person sitting in every section.  During the Mississippi State game, there was very little echo due to empty seats.  That’s better than trying to fill seats with fans anyday.”  

When asked what improvements needed to happen moving forward, Denial acknowledges that some minor tweaks to the program could never hurt.  “We probably need to block off the upper deck and most of the lower deck so that it doesn’t look like there are any empty seats at games.  Also, we need to combine major concerts with basketball games to increase attendance on paper.  Some negative types insist on looking at numbers of bodies in attendance, fan interest and revenue intake as gauges for the program.  So yes, we need to up our ‘smoke and mirrors’ budget moving forward.”