Given the time, Martin WILL get us there!

This blog makes fun of everyone so I appreciate any coach that gives material for me to work with like Frank Martin.  But as a Gamecock fan, I really like the guy and fully believe he is going to be the coach that finally reawakens our hoops program.  Now if you are the type of Gamecock fan that only sees the negative and you refuse to look for good signs then you should just stop reading right now.  We get it:  you’re never happy and you love speaking loudly about how you are smart enough to be not happy.  Good for you and now please move along.  

For the rest of us, we like what we see with Coach Martin.  The guy is brutally honest about where we are and makes it crystal-clear that he is working his tail off to change that.  Yes, if you’re going to have a bad basketball season, tell us that up front and show us that you’re going to fix it.  Frank Martin does that. 

Take the loss to Georgia yesterday afternoon.  First of all, can Georgia win anything without the SEC’s help?  Seriously?  First the SEC East in football is gift-wrapped to Athens by “random” scheduling.  Then the officials somehow cannot see what every human on earth could during hoops:  Carolina should have had 8.9 seconds left to run their last possession.  Yes that was it.  That simple.  No there is no other thing to say about it.  

But I digress.  Even during the “loss” you could see how Coach Martin is draining every bit of effort from these players.  They are starting to get the idea:  play hard and be thankful for the chance or get out of Columbia.  Yes, we may have some growing pains as a result early on but we’re better off for the long haul.  In SEC hoops, you have three paths for success:  You can do the dirty recruiting stuff like they do in Florida, you can be Kentucky or you can slowly build a winner over time.  

You can see that option 3 is what Martin is going to do and I am glad.  I don’t expect “instant national titles” from USC hoops.  I just want to see improvement.  It’s not going to be easy.  Due to the success Steve Spurrier and Ray Tanner had in their respective sports the same is expected from Coach Martin and that’s unfair.  Both of those legends were given the time, support and facilities they needed to get there.  Through no fault of his own that won’t be the case for Coach Martin.  

Here’s hoping he is still our coach in five years.  I like him and I like what he’s doing.  To quote Shooter from Hoosiers, “I been watching the way you’ve been breaking the colts” Coach and I like what I see.  

It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!

CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Frank Martin and Brad Brownell release Easter Album to boost income

The Gamecock and Tiger Basketball coaches have had reality hit them in the face in recent weeks.  Gamecock Coach Frank Martin joined Tiger head man Brad Brownell for a cocktail recently, and the two men were both lamenting that basketball in the Palmetto State wasn’t a good long-term income plan.  So they have teamed up to make what is sure to be one of the top 50 Easter Albums in 2013 as an income boost.  

“Look, everyone is scared to death of Frank, and no one knows who the heck I am,” said Brownell, who then had to wake up the members of the press corps in attendance.  Martin then explained why he thinks the album is both needed and beneficial to everyone in the state.  “You %$@*# morons don’t appreciate this beautiful $^#-@)^*$% sport we coach, so me and Vanilla Boy here are going to croon!” 

Some of the songs that will highlight the Easter Collection will include:  

• Here Comes Peter Cottontail…and why the North Carolina schools are mean to Clemson! (Brownell)
• You want to color some eggs?  I have some eggs you can color pal!  (Martin)
• Happy Day- is when someone will acknowledge my team beat the Gamecocks! (Brownell)
• Jellybeans and Chocolate- If we give these away at games, will that get you off your fat butts and to a basketball game?  (Martin)
•  Let’s pretend we’re bunny rabbits- maybe someone will notice us then! (Duet)

Initial reaction to the news was mixed among fans from both schools.  Jethro Prostate, a long-time Gamecock fan from just outside of Eastover, was pleased to hear the news.  “I had no idea we still had a basketball team.  I remember the Grady Wallace year like it was yesterday.  Did they ever paint the Field House?”  Also weighing in was Tiger supporter “Tiny” Tina Slopbucket of Ft. Mill who hopes the album will be a big success.  “We really do need to bring basketball to Clemson again.  I just can’t stand that old Dean Smith.  Not a nice man.” 

CLEMSON TOP TEN....Top 10 signs Jack Legget is about to play Carolina

Top 10 signs Jack Legget is about to play Carolina

 

10.          Constantly throwing darts at a picture of Ray Tanner

9.            Washes those ridiculous white socks over and over in bleach

8.            Practicing that “smile” thing for the press conference after another loss to USC

7.            Extra shock treatments to stop the increased screaming and nightmares

6.            Listens to nothing but Enter Sandman and Megadeath to get him in the mood

5.            Prank calls to Chad Holbrook

4.            Lots of weeping and crying in the fetal position

3.            Asking Tiger fans to just pay attention to basketball.  “Nothing to see here!”

2.            Pulls out his spot-on imitation of John Wayne as a distraction

1.            Bunny-slippers and hot cocoa while watching tapes of “The June Raines Years!”

 

MOO U News: Oscar snub outrages Dabo!

This is a fake story...please do not take it too serious!

Clemson head football coach Dabo Swinney says he did everything he could to win the best actor Oscar this year, but not even being nominated is just ridiculous. “Who did a better job of creating a character while completely making my audience buy into my fantasy as reality? If that’s not acting I don’t know what is.” Swinney especially resented not being on the list while Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman were. “The guy from Hangover? Seriously? He gets on there? That is just crap. Isn’t he the one the naked guy jumped on from the trunk? Or was that the fat guy with the beard? Either way I am better than him ANY day. And Hugh Jackman? Wolverine? Whatever dude!”

Swinney has used a combination of smoke-and-mirrors, a hefty recruiting “budget” in South Florida, a horrible ACC and several staged media rants to completely distract Tiger fans from the reality in which they exist. “I am more popular than Red Man Chaw in Pickens County and I lose every year to Carolina,” noted Swinney, who says he is just following the script of Tiger legend Frank Howard. “Coach Howard had a losing record against the Gamecocks and he has his name on the field! Who knows where they will be writing Dabo before long?”

When asked who should win the award since he is not eligible, Swinney says the stuffed bear from “Ted” made him cry. “Like a modern day Peter Fonda.”

Highlights from GAMES vs. Liberty

Looks like another contender in Columbia!

Chad Holbrook has introduced himself to Gamecocks fans as a head coach now, and we all like what we see.  Former Gamecock Assistant Jim Toman brought a VERY game Liberty squad to Columbia and the fans were treated to a competitive weekend.   Yes, there were a bunch of atypical errors in the field.  Yes, 

Carolina will have to get much better before the late spring and summer.  But overall you have to leave this weekend feeling pretty good about the 2013 YardCocks.  

This was never going to be an “easy” opening weekend.  Put aside whether or not you agree that Liberty is good (They are and the season will show that).  Friday afternoon was a day all about honoring the past.  So much emotion about Ray Tanner had to be processed and it was.  Combine all of that with the new pitching rotation and position players starting their journey to finding a new team voice and you see what they were facing.  

No more Roth.  No more Price.  No more Christian Walker.  And others.  You get the idea.  So we come out of that slate with 2 wins and a very tough 1-run loss.  I’ll take that.  Shoot it may be three or four more weeks before our legs are under us.  (If Jack Leggett has a brain of any kind he’ll take advantage of that but I digress)

This is not going to be Ray Tanner the sequel.  This is Chad Holbrook’s time and this is no easy gig.  When Coach Tanner took the program the wheels had come off and we were in an aging home run box at the Sarge.  We hadn’t won diddly in about 15 years and people had largely forgotten baseball.  Today, we all expect the diamond team to carry the water at USC, there is tremendous focus on our new facilities, and we have a ton of hardware and success. 

You either are stupid or have guts to want that responsibility.  Coach Holbrook is certainly no dummy.  He’s a winner and he has embraced the opportunity.  Good for him.  Guts may not be everything but sometimes it’s enough.  (I think I stole that from Full Metal Jacket or The Simpsons) 

The good news for Holbrook is that the Gamecocks have all the pieces as usual.  “Gumby” Montgomery has a rubber-band rocket of an arm and will be one of the Conference’s best Friday night aces.  We have lots of speed for the small-ball scoring and plenty of depth.  But as always the intangible of chemistry will decide how good we are and that has to play itself out.  If those pieces all come together into a nice finished puzzle we’ll be in Omaha again.  

Regardless, color me confident that the Chad Holbrook era will be viewed as a success when the books are written.  He’s the perfect guy to deal with all the good (and bad) that comes with following #1 at Carolina. 

AMEN, COACH HOLBROOK!!!
It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!

OPENING DAY TRIBUTE TO RAY TANNER!

Long live Ray Tanner!

738 wins, 10 Super-Regionals, 6 trips to Omaha, 4 trips to the Championship game or round, and 2 National Championships.  Well-done Coach.   Other coaches may accomplish more in a sport at the University of South Carolina.  Time will tell.  But for historic purposes, Ray Tanner was the first person to lead a team in a men’s major sport to the promised land.  That can’t ever be challenged.   

So many folks have forgotten how the Tanner love-fest actually began in Columbia.  Most people think it was the run to the 1st title with Bayler-ball and the wins over Oklahoma, Clemson and UCLA.    I understand why some feel that way.  But for us “old-school” fans, we’ll never forget the importance of the 2000 season.  

Think back to January of 2000.  Gamecock Athletics were at their lowest point ever and in the sewer.  The football team had just gone 0-11.  The basketball team had lost twice in the 1st round of the NCAAs and had collapsed in 1999.  Meanwhile, baseball was quietly about to start the fourth season under Ray Tanner.  Tanner had been slowly building a program that had radically declined at the end of the June Raines era.  

The bottom line is that USC fans had given up hope.  Sure, sure, lots of them now claim they never did but hogwash!  It was just a crappy time.  Then Kip Bouknight, Peter Bauer, Scott Barber, Trey Dyson and others saved us.  I’m not over-estimating that either.  Under Coach Tanner, that baseball team saved the morale at my alma mater.  

All the frustration, all the negativity, all the anger and everything else bad just went away.   2 huge wins over Clemson that year were just what the doctor ordered.  The one in Columbia where Dyson had the big hit still ranks as one of my favorite moments of all time.  You just can’t understand how that season was if you weren’t a fan who had lived through all that other stuff.  

Before anyone howls too loudly, I get it that we didn’t get to Omaha that year, and that we went on to knock Clemson out of Omaha twice and that we won the two championships later.  I’m not ignoring any of that.  I’m just saying that we never would have seen that magical end without that miraculous beginning.  And it did feel miraculous at the time. 

So yes, I did tear up a bit yesterday as Coach Tanner had his number retired.  Yes, the players doing their tributes, the naming of Ray Tanner Way and even Coach’s comments after the game got to me.  Matt Price coming in to close it out one last time was an especially nice touch.  

As a Daddy of a 6-year old I am sure glad my boy is becoming a Gamecock fan now.  Hopefully he’ll never have to live through what I did growing up in the Garnet and Black.  But along with all those scars he’s avoided, there are two memories I’ll have on him:  Big George’s Heisman Run in 1980 and Ray Tanners Magic in 2000.  Thank you so much Coach Tanner!

It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!

CRANKSHAFT NEWS: Top 10 things Jadeveon Clowney will do if he sits out this season

THIS IS A FAKE STORY, DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

Sitting out the season?  What would he do to bide his time?

10.          Finish that macramé sweater he’s been knitting for Bruce Ellington
 

9.            Pen an essay illustrating the contrast between “conceit” as a literary device from the metaphysical poets and the theory of wit from English writers.
 

8.            Set out with an animal sidekick to solve mysteries in Florida.
 

7.            Become an expert of both the Carinosa dance of love and the bunny hop.
 

6.            Still find a way to sack Tajh Boyd even from the stands.
 

5.            That dream summer job as an auctioneer at Christie’s.
 

4.            Bake up the world’s zestiest hot vanilla soufflé.
 

3.            Watch every episode and movie from “Sex and the City.” (JD is such a Miranda)
 

2.            Join a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band

1.            Sudoku Puzzles!  (Medium Level)

Crankshaft Gazette: Frank Martin irate after horrible dinner!

THIS IS A FAKE STORY.  DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

YOU CALL THIS A PORK CHOP!??!!?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

 

Last week, Gamecock head basketball coach Frank Martin thought he was sitting down at a friend’s house to eat some delicious pork chops with apple sauce for dinner.  Instead, the evening turned into a disaster.  “I can’t believe I have to eat something that tastes this bad,” said Martin, who is never afraid to make his strong opinions known.  “I mean, if you’re going to invite someone over to a meal, you should have some passion and fire about the food you’re cooking.  This is the worst pile of %#$@!^ garbage I have ever put in my mouth!!” 

Martin then went on to point out all the flaws he noticed in the friend’s home.  “I go into the can and there aren’t any %&^#%! decorative soaps!  Are you freaking kidding me?  And that #@^$%^# hand towel couldn’t dry a fly’s *** in the desert.”  When it was pointed out that Martin was being kind of harsh to his hosts, the fiery coach screamed that he was just being honest.  “Look I only know one speed baby and that is first-gear excellence!!  Don’t grab a pile of dog-#$~!@ off the road, plop it on my plate and tell me it’s a pork-chop!”  Martin went on to say that he enjoyed the evening overall and that parking was ample.  

MOO U News: Jack Leggett skips first Clemson game to make sure Tanner not coaching!

WARNING FOR TIGGER FANS.... THIS IS A FAKE STORY!! DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

Leggett wondering if this really took place?!?!

Clemson baseball coach Jack Leggett has been celebrating since he first got the news that Ray Tanner was giving up coaching baseball at Carolina.  So much so that the embattled Tiger skipper missed the Clemson opener against William and Mary just to make sure the Tanner era was over.  “Yep, they named a road after Ray and retired his number so he is out.  Thank goodness!”  

Tanner had made Leggett look foolish for a number of years and at one point Jack thought he was just going to lose it.  Now that Ray is gone, Leggett hopes his fortunes against the Gamecocks will change.  “I plan to do all sorts of mind-games and trash-talk to Chad Holbrook.  We’ve got to win that first one over him.”  

If the Tiggers do beat the Gamecocks in the Friday night game this year, many feel Leggett will retire right there on the spot.  He could then say he went out on top. 

MOO U News: Dabo angry that no one is asking Sammy to sit out!

THIS IS FAKE ...MADE UP...NOT TRUE.   DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!!

Clemson head football coach and meth-addict Dabo Swinney took to the airwaves this week to protest all the national discussion about Jadeveon Clowney and whether or not he should sit out the season.  Swinney noticed that no one gives a rip about what Sammy Watkins is doing.  Swinney is happy that Clowney may not play in the fall of course, as he watched #7 plant Tajh Boyd into the Death Valley turf repeatedly in November.  But he thinks the same kind of attention should be paid to his former star wide receiver. 

“If we could have found Sammy in Panama City, he would be saying this himself but he's the one who should sit out.  He’s just as good as Clowney,” claimed Swinney.  “If it weren’t for Sammy, well, I don’t really have a way to finish that sentence but in my mind the two situations are the same.”  

The only league that seems to be worried about Sammy’s health is the “Peruvian Dancing Dust League” down in Lima, but Dabo thinks the NFL is making the wrong call.  “Sure Clowney seems like he’s in good shape and a decent player but Sammy is a wide-receiver with personal behavior issues and a massive ego.  When have you ever seen one of those in pro ball?” 

Cockabooster nominated for “Least Informative Website” Oscar Award

Will The Cock-A-Booster bring home the treasured award this year??

The Academy of Reduced Budget Motion Pictures and Low Information Web addresses has released their 2013 nominees for nearly 100 categories including “Least Informative Website.”  The Cockabooster was nominated for the 2nd straight year and this could be the year we land the trophy.  

“I am so proud of the folks we have managed to both irritate and make laugh at the same time,” said Cockabooster Emporer Teddy Felder.  “Anyone who takes the time to read this site means so much to us and they will leave knowing a little less about the world in which they live! This is very exciting.” 

Felder went on to say that the mistakes that caused The Cockabooster to not win last year have been corrected.  “Yes, Tigernet.com may have edged us out before but not anymore.  I can be as dumb as those guys any day of the week.”  This year’s list of nominees include:  Cockabooster.com, Tigernet.com, IsItAnAardvark.net, WhyYouShouldNotEatPaste.org and BillTheCatSingsBobDylan.com. 

Clemson releases new “all backs” strategy for 2013

This is a fake article...PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

After signing  42 skill position players this year and 1 lineman that no one else wanted, Dabo Swinney knew he had to spin the results to his liking.  “Yes, we plan to play 11 defensive backs on defense and 11 receivers on offense.  Instead of ‘all in’ at Clemson we are going with ‘all backs’ moving forward.”  

Clemson has kept themselves in the headlines in recent years by signing several “5-star” players that were purchased in Florida.  They all fizzle out once they get to the upstate, but this maneuver  gives them a nice team recruiting ranking on national signing day.  “Look, we know we can’t beat South Carolina on the field anymore so why not do this?  Our fans have shown they are dumb enough to believe whatever I say in the past.  They’ll love this.”  

We asked some random Tiger boosters what they thought of winning yet another preseason state championship.  “Dabby knows what he’s doing,” said Rhetta Gritseed, part-time vending machine cleaner in Belton.  “If he thinks playing a wide receiver at offensive tackle will get it done I believe him.”  Walt Cooterbred of Easley, retired oil filter recycler, agrees.  “I think it’s high time we see what a cornerback can do along the defensive line.”

Dabo says the key to keeping people asleep in Tigertown is hoping Georgia gives away a game to Clemson like LSU did, and Cooterbred is confident it will happen.  “I got both of my fingers crossed.”  

Cockabooster accused of rampant steroid-blogging

Lottoburger!!!  YUMMY!

We all know how powerful the Cockabooster has been over the years, but was the strength of the site enhanced by performance-enhancing blogging?  I decided to seek an interview with myself to get the truth.  I knew that landing an interview with me would be tough, so I went to a location I was sure I would be eventually:  Arri’s Grill in Aiken.  Patiently I waited until sure enough I showed up looking for a Lottoburger with Jalapeno’s.  

Finally I agreed to sit down and address the charges once and for all with myself.  I had this to say:  “At no time did I knowingly participate in performance-enhancing blogging.  For anyone to suggest that steroids have aided my writing is unfair and hurtful.  My sense of humor comes from a long history of eating Captain Crunch as a child, watching many episodes of Cheers as a teenager and pulling for the Gamecocks since birth.  I fully and categorically deny these charges and I hope this ends any debate about the authenticity of the insanity this blog produces on a sometimes-weekly basis.”  

I went on to babble for an hour about a variety of random topics like why NewsRadio was underrated and how it’s time to forgive  Mr. Pibb for changing cans. 

You have to love Steve Spurrier

I can relate so much to what my Tiger friends are going through right now.  Through much of the first 35 years of my life, I would always look to recruiting to make me feel better about us losing to Clemson.    The Gamecocks were at one time “Wide Receiver U” with names like Sterling Sharpe, Robert Brooks, Troy Williamson and others rolling through Columbia.  We had some exciting running backs, quarterbacks, etc. who donned the Garnet and Black.  

There were several years in there where we would top Clemson in the rankings because they were focused on defense and linemen.  You know, boring stuff that doesn’t grab headlines.  Meanwhile, we were the sexy team with the glitter that constantly was “on the rise.”  My Tiger friends would just sit there, shake their heads and chuckle as I would proclaim that we were winning the recruiting wars.  

Fast forward to today and I can tell you it is MUCH better on this side of the line, especially when you have a guy like Steve Spurrier holding court with the press and painting the picture beautifully.  Spurrier never has a filter when he speaks and his comments on signing day were just right.  He talked about how we aren’t a team (anymore) that makes idiots of themselves celebrating in February.  We instead just let our talking happen in the fall at Williams-Brice.  Amen.   That in and of itself makes the point but he added a zinger just for some icing on the cake when he pointed out the teams who are doing that type of signing day celebrating are the ones who are disappointed with their season.  Ouch!  

One of my favorite movies ever is “The Three Amigos.”  From that movie I have stolen a line over the years that fits Carolina and Clemson today.  “Everyone in life has an ‘El Guapo’ to face.”  Steve Martin went on to talk about how illiteracy was the El Guapo for some while for them it was an actual mean guy named El Guapo who wanted to kill them.  Well for Dabo Swinney, his El Guapo is the Gamecocks and he knows it.  No, winning the “Aunt Cindy Conference” title means nothing.  Nothing.  And he knows that.  And no, having LSU flounder around and screw up 500 times to allow you to eek out a 1-point Peach Bowl win means nothing.  Nothing.  And he knows that too.  Can Clemson beat South Carolina?  That’s Dabo’s El Guapo.  

Don’t misunderstand, Spurrier has one as well.  Carolina has to win the SEC Championship.  We know that.  Yes, it’s a much harder El Guapo to take down, but that’s the way it is.  Yes, when you put both “El Guapos” side by side, Clemson’s seems like iliiteracy and our seems like the guy trying to kill us but that’s where we are.  We are at the big boy table and these are the fleas that come with that dog.  

“My little buttercup has the sweetest….”  (Okay I’m stopping now with the movie references.)  It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!