Monday, October 21, 2013

MOO U News: Please still love me and look at me! (A personal letter to Clemson Fans from Dabo Swinney)

For all you Clemson fans...this is a fake story!..Don't take it too serious!

Dear Clemson Faithful,

Look, I know I screwed up Tiger fans.  I know we just metaphorically crapped our pants on national television.  I know you’re hurting, angry as heck and want my head on a pike.  But please, please, please don’t stop paying attention to me.  I’ll do whatever it takes.  No matter how stupid I look to the rest of the nation, I have always been able to make you guys drink the kool-aid.  I need that naivety and blind faith more than ever.  Without it, I don’t know if I can make it.
When I was selling cars and sleeping with my Mother, I never dreamed I could have fooled so many of you into believing my nonsense.  It has been my honor to keep shoveling fresh garbage each week to keep you in denial.  Don’t give up on that now.  Where else could I humiliate myself and actually create a national running joke called “pulling a Clemson” while still keeping the loyalty of the school’s fans? Okay, maybe at Georgia but not like it is here. 

Look, you need some space and time to go think about things.  I get that.  Just hang on to how good it felt when I used smoke and mirrors to get by a couple of SEC teams that had no interest in the games we played.  Yes, Tiger fans, we beat LSU and Georgia.  Remember that?  Hang on to that feeling.  Sure it wasn’t real but are any of us actually real?  SEE, what did that last sentence even mean?  I told you I can still come up with whatever dumb lies and spin I need to keep you distracted.  Whoops, not distracted, what I meant was “happy” of course.

What’s that?  Will Tajh win the Heisman?  Of course he will.  You can trust old Dabo.  Florida State was a bunch of steroid using communist felons.  If it weren’t for George W. Bush we would have won.  So just relax.  They didn’t beat us Tiger Nation.  We were only 38 points from being unbeaten and you know that.  And again, don’t forget….we beat LSU.  Just hang on to that when you worry about what happened last night.  We can be that happy again, I promise.  Just don’t give up on us okay?  Your constant love and attention is what gets me through the days. 

Oh, will we beat South Carolina?  Don’t we always?  What do you mean we lost 4 in a row to them and play in Columbia?  That is Gamecock propaganda from Lou Holtz and Jesse Palmer.  No, just remember my staged rant  about USC last year.  Go Google that and you’ll feel better.  Don’t worry about the results on the field.  Just keep listening to old Dabo and you’ll never have to worry about anything. 

Oh, man I am begging here a bit but that’s okay.  I’ll get down on my knees if you need it.  Just keep on buying the crap I am selling.  All in, One Tiger, Paws United or whatever the Doo-Doo Du Jour is that I am peddling.  Just don’t abandon me! 

Love me, believe in me and need me Clemson fans.  Don’t go hire a real football coach.  I have nowhere else to go.  

With Love,


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