MOO U News: Pope Francis asks Spurrier to show mercy on Dabo

In a historical intervention, Pope Francis is asking Steve Spurrier to stop beating up on Dabo Swinney.  “For five years now, we have witnessed this merciless destruction of Coach Swinney and his Klimpletons by the Gamecocks.  It is time for mercy and healing.”  This marks the 2nd time a Pontiff has sought relief for a sports team or coach.  Pope Benedict once put in a call to Chapel Hill to see if they would let Clemson beat them in basketball there.  Both the Tar Heels then, and Coach Spurrier now, respectfully declined the requests.  

If there is ever going to be an 12+ win year…

In my 43 years of being a Gamecock, I can think of only one time when I believed we would win 12 games in a football season.  That of course was 1984 and I felt that way for all of one week.  We had just beaten Florida State to get to 9-0 and a #2 national ranking in the AP.  The upset loss the next week in Annapolis crushed my 13-year old heart even worse than the loss at Clemson in 1980. 

After that brief moment of sunny optimism was darkened by the Middies, I vowed never to get my hopes up too high.  Heck, even since then when I really would get myself hyped up for an individual game it seemed to jinx us.  The home loss to Auburn and the road loss at Gainesville two years ago spring to mind.  So you can see why I am practically petrified that I find myself (gasp) feeling really good about this fall. 

I think my upbeat feeling about this season stems from one opinion I have:  We’re never going to have a more manageable SEC schedule than this one.  We have the Aggies, Jawja, Mizzou and the Vols all in Columbia and Kentucky and Vandy as two of our road trips.  Before anyone screams out “AUBURN” or “FLORIDA” I get that.  My answer is that if we’re waiting for a “perfect” SEC slate it just isn’t going to happen. 

We don’t play in the ACC (Aunt Cindy Conference).  This ain’t FSU and the 13 dwarves.  This is big-boy football every week and we’re going to have some tough matchups.  At the very least, this is arguably the best chance we’re going to have to win the East again.  Next year we go to Pup-land, to Mizzou, to Knoxville and to Kyle Field and we have LSU reappearing.

I’ll put words to a feeling many Carolina fans have that needs to be acknowledged:  We don’t have to beat Auburn.  Some teams just seem to have your number and they seem to have ours.  And as the Head Ball Coach has taught us, focusing on a team too much leads to more losses to them.  (Just ask old Dabbles about that). 

So while I am saying up front that I have some happy juice in me this fall for some reason, it is what it is.  I think the stars have aligned a bit for us this year and we’re going to win the East.  Too much Splenda in my Iced Tea you say? Maybe.  The good news is that we’ll know pretty quickly if our optimism is warranted.  Try the first three home games against A&M, ECU and UGA.  If we’re not 3-0 at the quarter-mark, uh-oh is all I have to say.  But….run the trifecta and all of a sudden we could be 7-0 and on a 13-game winning streak headed to the Plains. 

If it’s ever going to happen, this could be the year. It is a great time to be a Gamecock~!

MOO U News: Dabo to seek refund from Chad Kelly

Clemson released its latest overrated greatest quarterback ever this week, telling Chad Kelly his behavior wasn’t up to Clemson’s standards.  Yes, the school that has given us models of morality through the years such as Kenny “Don’t send flowers to your Mother” Flowers, “Speed Bully” Dabo Swinney and “Controlled Substance” Sammy Watkins has apparently drawn the line at cocky mouthing off. 

This latest staged publicity stunt may actually backfire against the Tigers, unless they can get back the recruiting money that was invested in Kelly.  “Yeah we’ll treat this like any other accounts receivable situation,” said Swinney, who knows Clemson may never see that money again.  “It’s true that we need that money to spread around to other recruits but if not we’ll adjust.  We may have to lean on our South Florida guy again for a while.”  

MOO U Top Ten: Top 10 ways you know a Clemson has vandalized Williams-Brice

Top 10 ways you know a Clemson has vandalized Williams-Brice

A fresh “tiger paw” was recently painted on the field at Williams-Brice this week.  Was it a Clemson fan?  Here is the evidence it was:

10.  Even when vandalizing, Clemson cannot reach the end zone against the Gamecocks.
9.  The words “no we’re not overly religious” were painted just under the paw
8.  The Mad Dog 20/20 bottle left at the scene had an orange flavor label.
7.  Will Merritt’s finger prints were on the Rush’s chicken basket bag found nearby.  
6.  The getaway pig in the parking lot left too many fresh droppings.  
5.  Only Clemson fans would think of vandalizing a team they had lost to five times in a row.
4.  Manure smell near the paw indicates Clemson’s homecoming queen had recently been there.  
3.  The words “well at leist we beet ahio stat” could only have been written by a Tiger Honor Graduate.
2.  Trashed receipt from the Pendelton “Li’l Cricket” was paid for in deer corn.
1.  The art was sponsored by “The History Channel” just like the Clemson football team.  

Not time to panic about baseball…yet

We’re not used to losing streaks in baseball at Carolina, nor should we ever get that way.  But just because we’ve lost a few recently after a very hot start, I don’t think we should overreact. 

First off it should be noted that our pitching staff has been lights out, even through our recent “struggles.”  And with Gumby returning to form of late after some early hiccups, that will only get better.  I will take our starting rotation over anyone’s.  This is important because when it counts for Omaha, give me deep pitching over deep hitting anyday. 

But yes, we have definitely struggled at the plate since the conference schedule started.  Granted the schedule has been brutal and we don’t get to play Clemson anymore.  So some of that was to be expected.  But I will admit we are weaker in the lineup than I thought we’d be.  Yes, we need some noticeable improvement if we’re going to think about Omaha. 

I still think we’ll get there.  Despite how “horrible” things have gone in our minds, we are 2 games out of the best record in the SEC.  (This is being written the day we open the series at Auburn so that could change either way starting tonight)  We have half of the conference schedule left too.  Not a bad place to “bottom out” IF we have bottomed out. 

Auburn is last in the West and is tied for the worst record overall so we should certainly win at least 2 this weekend.  I think we will.  Then we get Alabama at home next week so it’s hard for me to take seriously the notion that it’s “over” as some chicken-littles have.  We just need to suck it up, get over the close losses to Florida and start playing ball like we’re capable of doing.  And for those who are starting to whisper about Coach Holbrook, go soak your heads.  You question him, you question Ray Tanner too.  Coach Tanner hand-picked him as his successor and he will be fine. 

Stop looking for land mines and start seeking out opportunities.  If any program at USC deserves that it’s baseball.  Why is it that Carolina fans are always 1 game away from their next losing streak while other teams view it as 1 game away from their next winning streak?  Here’s hoping for a good weekend on the Plains and a series win.  We need it and it would set up a VERY big weekend at “The Ray” when the Tide rolls in. 

Stay calm and keep focused folks.  As we know in Columbia, Championships happen in June on the diamond, not April. 

It's a great time to be a GAMECOCK!

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETT: Tidbits from our infamous guest writer...RUSTY CRANKSHAFT

Frank Martin loses it at Groucho’s

Coach Frank Martin was trying to be patient with the wait staff at Grouchos earlier this week, but he had just had enough.  After all, he was very clear that he wanted 95 sauce instead of 45 sauce on his White Moose sandwich.  “I am trying to take off a few pounds, so I just wanted some of that **** lower calorie **** on my food.  Apparently that’s too much to ask.”

An onlooker caught on camera an exchange between the Coach and his waiter when the sandwich arrived with 45 sauce instead.  “DID I ASK FOR 45 SAUCE?  WELL DID I?  ANSWER THE ******** QUESTION YOU *******!!!!!” 

The Coach has been asked to not eat at Grouchos for one month by AD Ray Tanner.  

------------------------------------

Auburn and Carolina decide to play Twister instead of Basketball at SEC Tournament

The Auburn Tigers and South Carolina Gamecocks knew that whoever won their 1^st round game in this year’s SEC Basketball Tournament wasn’t likely to win the Championship, so they turned their meaningless 1^st round matchup into a fun game of Twister.  “Why not,” said Gamecock Coach Frank Martin, who believes his players deserved a fun ending to the year.  “They’ve worked hard and we’ll get better, so why not end the year on a happy note?”

The Gamecocks ended up winning the Twister game after Brenton Williams successfully maneuvered his right hand to blue after putting his left foot on red.  Carolina will meet Arkansas in a game of “Truth or Dare” in the 2nd round.  

Dawn Staley: Doing it the right way!

USC Women's Basketball Coach - Dawn Staley

I will be the first person to admit that I am biased toward the three men’s major sports, golf and NASCAR.  It is doubtful that shocks anyone, as most folks in our region are as well.  Also, when someone tries to “cram” a sport down my throat, I usually just ignore it.  Yes, I will tune into some of the Olympics every couple of years, and there may be the occasional random event that grabs some attention, but for the most part I like my little sports cocoon. 

But if you can find a way to pierce that shell via merit and persistence, you earn my respect.  And if you’ve done that with me, you likely have done so with everyone who is like me.  I would guess I am your typical, average Gamecock fan so the number is probably large in that group.  Dawn Staley, you have our attention! 

I know very little about Women’s Basketball and I won’t pretend I have “always” followed it from a distance.  I haven’t.  My perception of that sport has largely been that UConn and Tennessee dominate, with the occasional Baylor, North Carolina or Notre Dame in the outside group.  Accurate?  I have no idea but I bet it’s close. 

That outside group is where I now I place another team:  the South Carolina Gamecocks and Dawn Staley.  (Disclaimer:  If you have followed this program for a long time, there are going to be many things wrong with this column.  I get that.) 

According to ESPN, we are ranked #8 right now after being upset in the semis at the SEC Tournament.  We are 27-4, won the SEC regular season title and are likely a #2 seed in the upcoming tournament.  Assuming we win our 1^st round game, that will be three straight seasons where Coach Staley has won a game in the Ladies’ Big Dance. 

Okay, so we may have had a nice run but what about the future?  Coach Staley is on the verge of landing the nation’s #1 recruiting class.  Apparently, we already have the #4 class or something like that and we are waiting on 1 recruit’s decision to get us to the top.  Past success, present success and future success are all in good shape under Dawn Staley.  And she hasn’t asked for any special help that I know of to promote her program.  Her team has earned the recognition and exposure through their results on the court.  That is what turns a passive, not-interested fan base into genuinely excited supporters.  Should it be that way anyway?  Of course, and if a frog had wings….

So count me among those who have now made Lady Gamecock Basketball something I both keep up and for which I seek updates.  If this keeps up I may have to add Women’s Hoops to the list of sports that get pilloried here on The Cockabooster!  You may see the Tiggers’ Audra Smith get the treatment I give old Dabo, Jack-Leg and the Velvet Vanilla.  

It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!  

More...MOO U NEWS: Top 10 ways Clemson is showing they’re not obsessed with Carolina

In light of the new “Countdown to Carolina” clocks at Clemson, here are some other ways the Tigers are showing they aren’t worried about the Gamecocks

10.          All Li’l Cricket locations in the Upstate now required to have a “Kill Cocky” video game

9.            The slop buckets used to feed the cheerleaders now must have “Beat Carolina” painted on them.  (Correct spelling is optional)

8.            The “Bring Back Big Spur” petition is now circulating the Iptay Center.

7.            Will Merritt has tripled his daily drive-thru appearances at Popeye’s Chicken 

6.            Roy Philpott is going to sit in a tree on campus wearing Burt Reynolds’ chicken suit from “Stroker Ace” until Dabo beats USC. 

5.            All freshman students at Clemson must now wear a severed beak around their necks.

4.            Dabo’s new reality show on A & E… “I don’t care about USC.  Really.” 

3.            Death Valley now being renamed as “Well we beat LSU and Ohio State at least” Stadium

2.            New manure-scented perfume being sold at all malls is named “Obsession…but not about a rival”

1.            Best Selling bumper sticker in Pickens County:  “Beat USC.  Or Don’t.  We don’t care.”

MOO U News: Leggett seeking lifetime contract after Gamecock Sweep

ANOTHER RUN SCORES!

Jack Leggett set out to prove he could lose to USC better than any Clemson coach last weekend, and he put forth a strong argument by getting swept in three games and vaulting Carolina to #1 in the national rankings.  Based on what the Tigers gave their football coach for losing to the Gamecocks, Leggett feels he is now owed a lifetime agreement.  

“Coach Swinney may have our first ever 5-game losing streak to them in football, which is strong.  No question.  But come on man!  I have lost 23 out of 30 to them, been eliminated by them at Omaha twice, and have watched them take in 2 national titles in that timeframe.  Oh, and thanks to them sweeping us this weekend they are now #1 in the country.  What else can I do?  I gots to get paid Jack!” 

Leggett says if they won’t give him the contract he seeks, then maybe something else could be worked out.  “I would love to try and get some Mrs. Winners chicken places going again.  They could flat out fry some chicken.  Or maybe it’s time for me to retire to Myrtle Manor.” 

IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO END LIKE THIS...

Clemson fans have completed the transition

If they weren’t fans of our in-state arch-rival, I would almost be sympathetic toward my Clemson brethren right now.  For decades, we just were obsessed with making “BEAT CLEMSON” our entire identity.  I can admit now that in football I would have honestly taken a win over the Tigers instead of an 11-win season any day.  

Now I hear the news that the Tigers are installing countdown clocks all over their football facilities.  Counting down to the National Championship game I’m sure?  Or maybe that dynamic ACC Title game they try and pretend they care more about than USC?  Or maybe it’s just a generic countdown to the opening kickoff type of thing?  Of course not.  You guessed it:  the program that gives insane contracts to coaches and bends itself into pretzels to INSIST that it doesn’t care about beating Carolina is now formally counting the seconds and minutes until we play again.  You have to love it! 

Ah, fond memories pop into my head of that “Beat Clemson” obsession we went through in football before Spurrier.  Again, let me say that I was neck-deep in the middle of that.   Those of orange ilk used to live rent-free in our heads.  Now we’re the tenants in their craniums and that’s how it needs to stay.  

And we need to remember that no one has done more to change the fortunes of this rivalry than Dabo Swinney.  He is likely going to go down as the most popular Clemson coach at both schools when he is done.  Clemson has sold their souls to him to be able to try and prove to Gamecock fans that they really aren’t worried about us.   Therefore, every time we beat them in football, they now have to double-down further and reaffirm their loyalty to old Dabbles.  Hoping beyond hope that eventually the odds say that they will win a football game against us (which I’m sure will happen at some point), somehow that will vindicate the entire foolish exercise.  We’re good with that plan.  We’re all in!  

I have so many really cool Tiger friends who have privately admitted what they actually think about their current path.  Needless to say when you get them 1 on 1 it is unanimously recognized how reckless, short-sighted and disingenuous their choices are- like the big contract, the obsession, the countdown clocks, etc.  But as the old saying goes, “A person can be smart, but people are stupid.” 

Shoot, despite brutal treatment by them for many, many years growing up I still do feel sorry for them and I guess I carry a touch of sympathy.  It is just miserable to be where they are right now, cast as Don Quixote of the Palmetto State attacking the windmill.   At least they have the attention span of the dog in the movie “Up” to fall back on.  The next distracting squirrel (playing a bowl against a team that doesn’t want to be there, facing the ACC “heavyweights,” recruiting all skill players, etc) is always just around the corner.  Hang in there my Tigger pals.  The odds do say you’ll get a win at some point.  

It is a great time to be a GAMECOCK!