THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETT: Tidbits from our infamous guest writer...RUSTY CRANKSHAFT

Frank Martin loses it at Groucho’s

Coach Frank Martin was trying to be patient with the wait staff at Grouchos earlier this week, but he had just had enough.  After all, he was very clear that he wanted 95 sauce instead of 45 sauce on his White Moose sandwich.  “I am trying to take off a few pounds, so I just wanted some of that **** lower calorie **** on my food.  Apparently that’s too much to ask.”

An onlooker caught on camera an exchange between the Coach and his waiter when the sandwich arrived with 45 sauce instead.  “DID I ASK FOR 45 SAUCE?  WELL DID I?  ANSWER THE ******** QUESTION YOU *******!!!!!” 

The Coach has been asked to not eat at Grouchos for one month by AD Ray Tanner.  

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Auburn and Carolina decide to play Twister instead of Basketball at SEC Tournament

The Auburn Tigers and South Carolina Gamecocks knew that whoever won their 1^st round game in this year’s SEC Basketball Tournament wasn’t likely to win the Championship, so they turned their meaningless 1^st round matchup into a fun game of Twister.  “Why not,” said Gamecock Coach Frank Martin, who believes his players deserved a fun ending to the year.  “They’ve worked hard and we’ll get better, so why not end the year on a happy note?”

The Gamecocks ended up winning the Twister game after Brenton Williams successfully maneuvered his right hand to blue after putting his left foot on red.  Carolina will meet Arkansas in a game of “Truth or Dare” in the 2nd round.  

Dawn Staley: Doing it the right way!

USC Women's Basketball Coach - Dawn Staley

I will be the first person to admit that I am biased toward the three men’s major sports, golf and NASCAR.  It is doubtful that shocks anyone, as most folks in our region are as well.  Also, when someone tries to “cram” a sport down my throat, I usually just ignore it.  Yes, I will tune into some of the Olympics every couple of years, and there may be the occasional random event that grabs some attention, but for the most part I like my little sports cocoon. 

But if you can find a way to pierce that shell via merit and persistence, you earn my respect.  And if you’ve done that with me, you likely have done so with everyone who is like me.  I would guess I am your typical, average Gamecock fan so the number is probably large in that group.  Dawn Staley, you have our attention! 

I know very little about Women’s Basketball and I won’t pretend I have “always” followed it from a distance.  I haven’t.  My perception of that sport has largely been that UConn and Tennessee dominate, with the occasional Baylor, North Carolina or Notre Dame in the outside group.  Accurate?  I have no idea but I bet it’s close. 

That outside group is where I now I place another team:  the South Carolina Gamecocks and Dawn Staley.  (Disclaimer:  If you have followed this program for a long time, there are going to be many things wrong with this column.  I get that.) 

According to ESPN, we are ranked #8 right now after being upset in the semis at the SEC Tournament.  We are 27-4, won the SEC regular season title and are likely a #2 seed in the upcoming tournament.  Assuming we win our 1^st round game, that will be three straight seasons where Coach Staley has won a game in the Ladies’ Big Dance. 

Okay, so we may have had a nice run but what about the future?  Coach Staley is on the verge of landing the nation’s #1 recruiting class.  Apparently, we already have the #4 class or something like that and we are waiting on 1 recruit’s decision to get us to the top.  Past success, present success and future success are all in good shape under Dawn Staley.  And she hasn’t asked for any special help that I know of to promote her program.  Her team has earned the recognition and exposure through their results on the court.  That is what turns a passive, not-interested fan base into genuinely excited supporters.  Should it be that way anyway?  Of course, and if a frog had wings….

So count me among those who have now made Lady Gamecock Basketball something I both keep up and for which I seek updates.  If this keeps up I may have to add Women’s Hoops to the list of sports that get pilloried here on The Cockabooster!  You may see the Tiggers’ Audra Smith get the treatment I give old Dabo, Jack-Leg and the Velvet Vanilla.  

It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!  

More...MOO U NEWS: Top 10 ways Clemson is showing they’re not obsessed with Carolina

In light of the new “Countdown to Carolina” clocks at Clemson, here are some other ways the Tigers are showing they aren’t worried about the Gamecocks

10.          All Li’l Cricket locations in the Upstate now required to have a “Kill Cocky” video game

9.            The slop buckets used to feed the cheerleaders now must have “Beat Carolina” painted on them.  (Correct spelling is optional)

8.            The “Bring Back Big Spur” petition is now circulating the Iptay Center.

7.            Will Merritt has tripled his daily drive-thru appearances at Popeye’s Chicken 

6.            Roy Philpott is going to sit in a tree on campus wearing Burt Reynolds’ chicken suit from “Stroker Ace” until Dabo beats USC. 

5.            All freshman students at Clemson must now wear a severed beak around their necks.

4.            Dabo’s new reality show on A & E… “I don’t care about USC.  Really.” 

3.            Death Valley now being renamed as “Well we beat LSU and Ohio State at least” Stadium

2.            New manure-scented perfume being sold at all malls is named “Obsession…but not about a rival”

1.            Best Selling bumper sticker in Pickens County:  “Beat USC.  Or Don’t.  We don’t care.”

MOO U News: Leggett seeking lifetime contract after Gamecock Sweep

ANOTHER RUN SCORES!

Jack Leggett set out to prove he could lose to USC better than any Clemson coach last weekend, and he put forth a strong argument by getting swept in three games and vaulting Carolina to #1 in the national rankings.  Based on what the Tigers gave their football coach for losing to the Gamecocks, Leggett feels he is now owed a lifetime agreement.  

“Coach Swinney may have our first ever 5-game losing streak to them in football, which is strong.  No question.  But come on man!  I have lost 23 out of 30 to them, been eliminated by them at Omaha twice, and have watched them take in 2 national titles in that timeframe.  Oh, and thanks to them sweeping us this weekend they are now #1 in the country.  What else can I do?  I gots to get paid Jack!” 

Leggett says if they won’t give him the contract he seeks, then maybe something else could be worked out.  “I would love to try and get some Mrs. Winners chicken places going again.  They could flat out fry some chicken.  Or maybe it’s time for me to retire to Myrtle Manor.” 

IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO END LIKE THIS...

Clemson fans have completed the transition

If they weren’t fans of our in-state arch-rival, I would almost be sympathetic toward my Clemson brethren right now.  For decades, we just were obsessed with making “BEAT CLEMSON” our entire identity.  I can admit now that in football I would have honestly taken a win over the Tigers instead of an 11-win season any day.  

Now I hear the news that the Tigers are installing countdown clocks all over their football facilities.  Counting down to the National Championship game I’m sure?  Or maybe that dynamic ACC Title game they try and pretend they care more about than USC?  Or maybe it’s just a generic countdown to the opening kickoff type of thing?  Of course not.  You guessed it:  the program that gives insane contracts to coaches and bends itself into pretzels to INSIST that it doesn’t care about beating Carolina is now formally counting the seconds and minutes until we play again.  You have to love it! 

Ah, fond memories pop into my head of that “Beat Clemson” obsession we went through in football before Spurrier.  Again, let me say that I was neck-deep in the middle of that.   Those of orange ilk used to live rent-free in our heads.  Now we’re the tenants in their craniums and that’s how it needs to stay.  

And we need to remember that no one has done more to change the fortunes of this rivalry than Dabo Swinney.  He is likely going to go down as the most popular Clemson coach at both schools when he is done.  Clemson has sold their souls to him to be able to try and prove to Gamecock fans that they really aren’t worried about us.   Therefore, every time we beat them in football, they now have to double-down further and reaffirm their loyalty to old Dabbles.  Hoping beyond hope that eventually the odds say that they will win a football game against us (which I’m sure will happen at some point), somehow that will vindicate the entire foolish exercise.  We’re good with that plan.  We’re all in!  

I have so many really cool Tiger friends who have privately admitted what they actually think about their current path.  Needless to say when you get them 1 on 1 it is unanimously recognized how reckless, short-sighted and disingenuous their choices are- like the big contract, the obsession, the countdown clocks, etc.  But as the old saying goes, “A person can be smart, but people are stupid.” 

Shoot, despite brutal treatment by them for many, many years growing up I still do feel sorry for them and I guess I carry a touch of sympathy.  It is just miserable to be where they are right now, cast as Don Quixote of the Palmetto State attacking the windmill.   At least they have the attention span of the dog in the movie “Up” to fall back on.  The next distracting squirrel (playing a bowl against a team that doesn’t want to be there, facing the ACC “heavyweights,” recruiting all skill players, etc) is always just around the corner.  Hang in there my Tigger pals.  The odds do say you’ll get a win at some point.  

It is a great time to be a GAMECOCK!

GAMECOCK BASEBALL: What a fun first weekend!

I know it was just an opening weekend series against an overmatched opponent.  I also know that we will have to see how Wil Crowe and Joel Seddon handle the Tiggers and the SEC before booking any flights to Omaha.  Regardless, you still had to leave the first three games of 2014 excited about the possibilities that lie ahead.  

Carolina has struggled like everyone else in the last couple of years to produce runs.  We top 40 in the first weekend set!  Pankake, Martin, Greiner and Schrock are an intimidating group of bats in any lineup.  So we have more power complementing our lightning speed on the base paths.  Then there are our starters on the mound.  Jordan “Gumby” Montgomery opened up looking every bit the ace we need him to be.  Jack Wynkoop and Crowe really could give us one of the SEC’s best starting rotations.  

I am usually not one to get ahead of things with bold predictions and I won’t start that here.  But I will say that based on what we have seen and what we expect, this should be a VERY tough baseball team to beat.  Are there land mines out there that could blow that up?  Of course there are.  Clemson looks like they have their best team in a while and the SEC is loaded as always with 8 in the top 25 this week. 

One intangible I am happy this team has is that bad taste in the mouth from giving away the Super Regional last year at Chapel Hill.  We were CLEARLY the better team and lost, but remember my favorite Frank Howard quote… “I don’t want the best team to win.  I want my team to win.”  So I sense that we will play with extra fire and intensity this year. 

Another intangible is that Coach Holbrook has to be eager to take his first Omaha trip as a Head Coach.  Every Gamecock fan on earth is thankful he is the guy who replaced Coach Tanner.  But that spot brings with it the extra pressure of continuing what Coach Tanner built in Columbia.  Coach Holbrook is the man to make sure that happens.  He will get us back to Omaha for sure and I hope it’s this year. 

After all, in College Baseball, the difference between total failure and complete success can be a couple of runs and bad bounces as we saw with the Heels last year.  We are due for a couple of fortunate bounces this year in my opinion.

But even though I am cautiously optimistic and excited, I will keep it calm for now.  Before we start dancing around and boasting, let’s see how that weekend against the Upstate Udders goes and then watch a couple of conference weekends.  Then we can start discussing things like Super Regionals and Omaha. 

It is a great time to be a GAMECOCK! 

More MOO U News: Top 10 potential new In-State Rivals for Clemson

Since the Tigers have thrown in the towel on the rivalry by rewarding Dabbles with a big new contract, here are our suggestions for their new in-state football rival. (One they could beat sometimes):

10.          Eleven Bassett Hound Puppies

9.            A bunch of silk pillows

8.            Richard Simmons

7.            Calhoun Academy

6.            The S. C. School for the Blind and Deaf

5.            A Groucho’s STP Dipper

4.            The ball-pit staff at Chuck E. Cheese

3.            The 5 year old “Upward” squads at Millbrook Baptist Church

2.            Regis Philbin

1.            Any 5 PM Yoga Class at Curves

MOO U News: Jack Leggett excited about Dabo’s new contract!

Coach Leggett claps for joy after hearing of the new contract given to Dabo Swinney.

When Clemson formally embraced losing to South Carolina as a good thing by giving Dabo Swinney a huge new contract, no one was more excited than Tiger Baseball Coach Jack Leggett.  “Shoot, I’ve been losing to the Gamecocks for years so I should get one heck of a deal now,” said Leggett who has been working under the apparent misconception that he should be upset about failing against his in-state rival.  “I don’t blame my agent because I honestly thought Tiger fans cared about getting embarrassed by South Carolina.  Since they actually don’t care, you can look for some hard negotiations coming from old Jack-Leg.”  

In related Tiger news, Brad Brownell has been told he will have his salary reduced in a big way if he keeps beating USC.  “I apologize to the Clemson fan base for not going ‘all in’ to the new rules about our rivals.  I promise to join Dabo and Jack’s way of doing things starting next year.  I never meant to cause disunity or turmoil by defeating the Gamecocks.”  

USC BASEBALL - Are you ready?

CLICK IMAGE ABOVE TO ENLARGE - GREAT DESKTOP IMAGE

Gamecock Baseball is back!

Connor Bright #4

As the Cockabooster awakens from a winter hibernation, one of my favorite topics will get the new year started:  The Yard Cocks!  I know, I know!  I have missed several great chances recently to launch into old Dabo and the upstate crazies.  That insanely short-sighted contract; the pretending that losing to Carolina is now okay, etc, etc.  Don’t worry I’ll have fun with those soon. 

But for now let’s focus on the Diamond.  Coach Chad Holbrook’s boys enter the new season looking strong and talented as usual.  USC will start out at #7 in Baseball America’s rankings and #14 in the USA Today Coaches poll.  Returning are some familiar names including Joey Pankake, Tanner English and Grayson Greiner.  We will need big years from all of them to maintain our high-level of expectations.   

The most notable “holes” to fill in my opinion are the infield and bullpen.  There is NO doubt that replacing LB Dantzler will be difficult.  LB led us in on-base percentage and slugging percentage and will be missed.  With Pankake moving over to third and Max Schrok returning at second, that means two new faces in the infield.  Most likely you’ll see Kyle Martin at first.  Short is still a question mark with Marcus Mooney and D. C. Arendas battling for the nod.  And to close out the infield, how great is it to have the “monster” Greiner behind the plate again? 

More good news is that Gumby is back!  One of my favorite Gamecocks, Jordan Montgomery, returns as the Ace Friday night starter.  The #2 spot in the rotation comfortably belongs to Jake Wynkoop.  So we’re good and seasoned for Fridays and Saturdays.  The third spot is usually somewhat of a question mark and that’s okay. 

More concerning is wondering who our closer will be?  Perhaps outside of how Kyle Martin fills in for LB, this could end up being the big factor in how far we can go.  Freshman Will Crowe could be given the shot, which would likely move either Josh Reagan or Joel Seddon into the Sunday starting spot. 

Finally, with English in Center and Connor Bright in Right, 2/3 of the Outfield is in fine shape.  I’m looking forward to seeing JUCO transfer Elliot Caldwell in left.  If he is as good as we hope, we will have a tremendous group back there.  

Finally there is the schedule.  If you think football is tough in the SEC, take a look at baseball!  Baseball America has eight SEC teams in the top 25 and four in the top 10!  The Gamecocks play 10 SEC weekends, and you can add in 3 games against #13 Clemson as always.  As you can see, it will be the normal “grind” to get to the top. 

But we’ll be ready.  We play at the best stadium in the nation after all.  “The Ray” is intimidating and as good of a home atmosphere that exists in the sport.  So get the peanuts, popcorn and coca-cola ready!  It’s time for Gamecock Baseball!  

Joel Seddon