MOO U News: Clemson says S. C. State will now be its instate rival...

Dabo Swinney and crew rolled up 73 points against South Carolina State last weekend, prompting  the crazy one to one of his patented post-game commentaries.  “We are glad to finally have an instate rivalry here at Clemson.  We need one.” said Swinney, ignoring completely the annual matchup with the Gamecocks.    

When asked about who they end the season with, Swinney reeled off the Tigers’ last three bowl opponents.  “We’ve won everything you can win so far, but we needed a rival as well.  This one will work fine.”  When it was pointed out to the Coach that Clemson currently has a team in the Palmetto State who has beaten them five times in a row, he just laughed and said, “We don’t live in the past.”  

Darkest before the dawn?

I would guess that 90% of Carolina fans, if they were pumped with truth serum, would admit that they left the East Carolina game happy with the win, but with a HUGE knot in their bellies.  Did we “feel better” about things.  I suppose that term is relative.  You should almost always feel better with a win than a loss.  So yeah, I guess we feel better in that sense. 

But the long-term prognosis is bleak…at least according to those “in the know.”  The accepted narrative about this team nationally now is that we flopped against A & M, sputtered through against the Pirates and now will be slaughtered by the Dawgs.  How can you argue with that assessment based on the eyeball test?    

Our defense has been just putrid.  We look like we’re confused, weak, slow and small trying to stop anyone right now.  There is no reason to think that we have a magic gear we haven’t shown that will mysteriously appear against Georgia.  Gurley is probably salivating at the prospect of gashing through us early and often and just wearing us down like they did the Klimpletons in Athens. 

Meanwhile, on offense, it’s not nearly as bad, but there is a similar vibe there in the undercurrent.  Davis’s season has hardly lived up to the hype this fall and our majestic, royal, fantastic offensive line we were promised has largely flopped against two of the weaker defenses we will play.  Clemson may have had a nice game plan between the hedges and made a couple of big plays to keep it close, but once “Uggah” figured out what they were doing it was a slap-down. 

The bottom line is that if you had to bet real money on this game, most of us would have to choose the barkers.  The Vegas line has rocketed in Georgia’s favor since it opened at about a point or so.   No one, and I mean NO one (that I can find) with any credibility says we have a chance this weekend.  Heck, if we made it off the bus successfully and got our shoes tied, that would be a moral victory the way it’s being set up. 

Ever the contrarian, that is why I will now swerve into the insane lane for a moment.  When the entire football world and gridiron glitterati get together and guarantee without a doubt that something will not and could not possibly happen, look for it to happen.  I concur with all the Eggheads that have analyzed this matchup.  Georgia should win and win easily.  We don’t play well on CBS at 3:30 historically.  On paper, this game should be over by halftime. 

Well, in my opinion, when one team is coming in expecting a coronation and the other is a wounded animal that has been left for dead, strange things happen folks.  And don’t be surprised on Saturday afternoon if some kookiness appears at Williams-Brice. 

It's a great time to be a Gamecock!

The Crystal Ball says...

Overall Record... 5 - 1
83% CORRECT!

RESULTS FROM LAST WEEK:  5-1

(Green are correct picks and red are incorrect picks)

• Georgia defeated Clemson 
• Auburn defeated Arkansas
• LSU defeated Wisconsin
• Alabama defeated West Virginia
• Calhoun Academy defeated Dorchester Academy
• Texas A&M defeated South Carolina

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS WEEK'S GAMES...

WEEK 2 - Weekend of  SEPTEMBER 6th

S. C. STATE at CLEMSON

Pickens County will open its favorite Cat House on Saturday, hoping the Overrated Orangies can claw up some visiting barkers from the Orangeburg Alpo Yards.  Buddy Pough and his raging “Rovers” plan to bury some gridiron bones in the upstate turf, but they may find the digging a tall order.  The home kittens have already been chopped by some red clay droolers in Athens last week.  Don’t expect it to happen again. 

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Moo U by 38

SAN JOSE STATE at AUBURN

The Hoplite Infantry of Southern California will sail some of their soldiers into Jordan-Hare on Saturday, hoping to capture the Fighting Malzhans in a pigskin noose.  War Eagle is expecting the attack on the plains, and will have their gridiron talons razor sharp.  Ancient Greeks don’t usually come knocking at Toomers Corner, and this group will be headed back to the left coast empty-handed.

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Auburn by 18

OLE MISS at VANDERBILT

Colonel Reb and the Oxford Gentlemen stroll into the Nashville Shipyards this weekend, hoping to enjoy some mint juleps Derek Mason’s Music City Dinghy.  The Volunteer State Skippers know the refined rebels plan to be in town, and they’ll do everything possible to protect their vessel.  Too much mincemeat pie will carry the day.          

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Ole Miss by 10

MISSOURI at TOLEDO

Some astronauts from northwest Ohio will open up the Maumee Bay Glass Bowl on Saturday, hoping to declaw some visiting felines from the Show Me State.  The Columbia Catnips have no intention of being blasted into space by the Otter Creek Orbits, so the Lake Erie Torpedos better be carrying a lot of missile fuel.  Go with the Golden Kittens in this one. 

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Missouri by 13

CALHOUN ACADEMY at LEE ACADEMY

It will be the Cavalier Bowl on Friday night, as the Fighting Jareckis gallop away from Academy Road to invade the Lee County Jousting Fields.  The home squires promise to have their lances sharpened for the sporting affair, but the invading inamoratos don’t plan to be bested.  Look for the St. Matthews Duelers to head back down I-20 with their Paramour Feathers still in place.

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Calhoun Academy by 9

EAST CAROLINA at SOUTH CAROLINA

A rowdy bunch of seafaring looters will sail into the Midlands on Saturday night, hoping to procure some pigskin plunder at the Bluff Road Poultry Plant.  Steve Spurrier and his scarlet hens have already been plucked a few times this fall, and may not have any gridiron plumage left.  If the Crimson Cluckers want to avoid being plopped in the fryer again, they better stop laying eggs. 

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says...   East Carolina in a big upset by 5.

GAMECOCK TIDBITS: Spurrier and Dabo take off to Panama City

Spurrier and Dabo hit links
during retreat at PCB.

Feeling unappreciated and embarrassed by their teams’ opening games, Dabo Swinney and Steve Spurrier disappeared on a 48 hour bender to Panama City, Florida.  Spurrier told Swinney that he knew some local hangouts where they could go where no one had a cell phone or internet access.  Cletus Palooka, Panama City historian and Provost at the University of Georgia, is the only known witness who saw the two coaches in town.  “I was just about to open a fresh pouch of Chattanooga Chew when I looked up and there they were on top of an RV.  Dabo had a couple of ‘talls’ and Steve was shirtless pulling on a Coors.  I guess they needed to blow off some steam.” 

Rumors surfaced this week that Dabo wanted to reenact the last scene from “Thelma and Louise” but Spurrier declined.  “I wouldn’t do it unless I was Harvey Keitel.  I’m no Geena Davis.”  

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE -- BREAKING NEWS...The Cock-A-Booster offers full public apology for his optimism…

Reeling from his first taste of genuine optimism in the Gamecock football program in nearly 30 years, the Cock-A-Booster (called the “Sage of St. Matthews” by no one and “the most knowledgeable BBQ spokesman located Southeast of Due West and North, South Carolina…” by even fewer) held an impromptu press conference this week to assure Gamecock fans it won’t happen again. 

“In all of my years of following Carolina sports, I have always been careful never to enjoy it very much.  I have always sacrificed my personal enjoyment to make sure I never jinx USC.  Sadly, my selfish ways and one too many cashews led to an unfortunate mistake.”  The Cock-A-Booster went on to list several times that he came close to feeling good about the Gamecocks over the years, but never had he fallen prey to the temptress known as pleasant, sunny optimism. 

“Let me assure everyone in the garnet and black that this tragic error will never take place again.  I will now permanently return somewhere between ‘Know-it-all Boulevard’ and ‘Sarcasm Lane’ forever.”  As a sign of good faith, the Cock-A-Booster promises the Carolina nation that he will pick Moo U to beat Florida State next week.  “It’s the least I can do to make up for this.”  

Another MOO U Top Ten...

Top 10 signs your once proud football program has faded badly over the years…

10.          You come up with reasons why your 24-point loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s.
9.            You come up with reasons why your 24-point loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s.
8.            You come up with reasons why your 24-point loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s.
7.            You come up with reasons why your 24-point loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s.
6.            You come up with reasons why your 24-point loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s.
5.            You come up with reasons why your 24-point loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s.
4.            You come up with reasons why your 24-point loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s.
3.            You come up with reasons why your 24-point loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s.
2.            You come up with reasons why your 24-point loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s.
1.            Ron Morris writes a column for you explaining why your 24-point loss isn’t as bad as someone else’s.   

Blaming the defense is silly

Before anyone gets outraged by the title of this column, I simply ask you one question:  What kind of football team were we told this was going to be in Columbia this fall?  All I heard was that we were going to be a ball-control offense behind the greatest offensive line in the history of the school.  That superhero line was going to allow us to keep our young but talented defense off the field enough to get experience.  I never heard anyone say that we could depend on them to be on the field the whole night against a red hot offense while the only offense we generated was a couple of nice long passes. 

I know, I know.   Texas A&M got a bazillion yards and scored 52 points.  I get it.  We stunk on defense on Thursday night.  I’m not ignoring that fact when I type this.  But to me, this debacle we all had to choke down the other night was mostly about our lack of a running game. 

Running the ball and controlling the clock was to be our identity folks.  When that didn’t happen, a whole bunch of holes that were supposed to be covered and have time to fill were flat-out exposed.  And please don’t come to me blaming #17.  Outside of one bad decision when he was desperately trying to bring us back in the second half, I was happy with Dylan Thompson.  366 yards and 4 TDs from him were almost enough to keep us with a pulse on Thursday. 

Sure we looked like a pig on roller skates trying to stop them.  We all understand that.  Saying we were “embarrassed” doesn’t do justice to how that dumpster fire felt to watch.  But if the season is going to turn around and we’re going to bounce back, the fix lies on the line of scrimmage and with our running backs. 

Dylan was billed as another Phil Petty type of QB and I think he is just that.  When we’re playing our game (ball control) he is more than capable of leading us and making big throws.  And unless we improve significantly in the trenches, East Carolina could be A&M the sequel.  The Pirates come in with question marks on defense but with the ability to score some points through the air.  Sound familiar? 

So pardon me if I don’t exclusively jump all over our defense this week.  I’d like to see that magical, one of a kind, herculean offensive line improve this week and get us some drives that last over 2 minutes as well.  When Penn has laryngitis, you don’t expect Teller to be a professional orator.  Similarly, when we can’t control the ball, don’t expect our defense to all of a sudden become something it was never intended to be. 

It just ain’t gonna happen this year folks. It's a great time to be a GAMECOCK!  

The Cock-A-Booster CRYSTAL BALL is back...

WEEK 1 - Weekend of  AUGUST 29th

CLEMSON AT GEORGIA

The overhyped puppies from the East Georgia kennels open up their flea-ridden water dish this weekend, hoping to take revenge on some visiting felines from Pickens County.  The Upstate’s favorite Fruitball and his well-paid kittens neutered the barkers last fall, and feel a repeat of the procedure is coming.  But unlike last year, the home canines will be wide awake.   

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Georgia by 5

ARKANSAS AT AUBURN

The Porky Piggies from the Ozarks trot their swiny hooves onto the Plains this Saturday, hoping to make the Opelika Scratching post into a pigskin trough.   The fightin’ Malzahns caught a lot of gridiron serendipity last year, and the worm may turn before November.  That won’t be the case in this matchup, and the other white meat is on the menu.            

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Auburn by 9

WISCONSIN VS. LSU

Some red-and-white rodents from Camp Randall roll into Houston this weekend, hoping to burrow the Baton Rouge Felines into the Lone Star State turf. The Big 10 needs a win by some group of rats this year in SEC Country, but I doubt the Madison clan will get the job done.       

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... LSU by 12

WEST VIRGINIA VS. ALABAMA

The Georgia Dome used to be a regular stop for Nick Saban’s elegant elephants, but too much lemonade at Toomer’s Corner changed that up.   The Crimson Clompers want two trips to Atlanta this year, and feel they have the tusks to get it done.  Some sister-kissers from Morgantown feel differently and they’ll bring their backwoods guns to the Peach State to steal some ivory.  They better be shooting just right.    

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Alabama by 19

DORCHESTER ACADEMY AT CALHOUN ACADEMY

Chris Myers and his golden pirates sail into the St. Matthews Jousting yards on Friday, hoping to raise the Jolly Roger and snatch some pigskin gold.  The home lancers feel they have sharp weapons this fall, and Adam Jarecki will have the home horsebackers ready to duel.  Go with the gallant gallopers in blue when this one is over. 

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Calhoun Academy by 7

TEXAS A&M AT SOUTH CAROLINA

The Richland County Rooster Farm will be rocking on Thursday night, hoping that some Cowboys from College Station get spurred early and often.  The visiting gauchos have no intention of falling prey to the flock, and think they’ll be gigging some poultry instead.  The Head Ball Coach has been clucking quite loudly this summer, which means he thinks the birds have some tough plumage.   

The Cockabooster chooses South Carolina by 4

Another MOO U Top Ten!

Top 10 signs Clemson and Georgia are playing each other...

10.          Alpo and Meow Mix are sold out at all Concessions
9.            Cheerleaders spend the halftime barking and hissing at each other
8.            The main argument in the stands is which National Title is more relevant today?
               80 or 81?
7.            The horrible, horrible smell of hairballs and fresh droppings in the skyboxes
6.            Visiting restroom troughs full of old kitty litter
5.            Danny Ford and Vince Dooley pre-game Red Man Spitting Contest
4.            PSA’s running on the Jumbotron say, “Have your family spayed or neutered.”
3.            Bars in Athens offer free grooming with the purchase of 5 water dishes. 
2.            Clemson fans mooing sends Georgia fans into a howling frenzy
1.            Post-game fights involve only 1-syllable words.  

MOO U News: Dabo outraged at Spurrier Mural

Clemson head football coach and dunking booth regular Dabo Swinney held an impromptu press conference this week, expressing outrage that Steve Spurrier will get a huge mural of himself on Williams-Brice Stadium.  “Sure he’s beaten us a couple of times, but we beat Ohio State.  They may not have cared about being there, but that’s beside the point.  We still won it.  Where’s my mural?”  Clemson’s Athletic Director Danny Rattlecoldfish says the Tigers will give Swinney something even better than the large picture of Spurrier.  “Yes, we’re going to ask our Sororities to sculpt a 100-foot statue of Dabo out of real upstate manure.  The sheer size and smell of it will send a pungent and potent message that anything USC can do, we can do better.” 

IF STATUE IS NOT POSSIBLE, THEN A MURAL LIKE THIS JUST MIGHT WORK!