MOO U News: Dabo says...“Dawgs had a different backup punter in Columbia”

Clemson football coach and world’s best thistle eater Dabo Swinney insisted this week that Clemson losing to Georgia and Carolina beating Georgia means nothing. Last fall, when the reverse happened, Swinney bounced around the Palmetto State like a hyper monkey on Jolt hollering to anyone who would listen that it was a sign that Clemson was better than USC.

Dabo says Georgia was a completely different team in Columbia against Carolina than they were for the opening week. “Yeah, they had a different back-up punter in the 2nd game, and were using brand new water bottles on the sidelines. Oh, and I heard they had a new person driving the bus to the game. Completely different clubs.”

The Tigers’ head man went on to point out that if the Gamecocks and Bulldogs played each other 10 times, Clemson would have won 5 of them.

Love watching Georgia whine!

(For my Georgia friends, family and neighbors who I love, this column is not directed at you.  You may just want to come back to the Cockabooster next week.  Thanks!)

In 1980, I watched my Gamecocks on national television for the first time as Big George Rogers and Carolina went to Georgia to hold “the Battle of the South.”  We only gave up one touchdown to the Dawgs that day in the form of a long run by Herschel Walker.  Sitting poised deep in Georgia territory late, victory looked imminent.  A fumble by Rogers and a roughing the punter penalty changed that into a loss.  Final Score:  UGA 13, USC 10.  

Then in 1987, I was in the stands in Athens, enjoying every second as Todd Ellis, Sterling Sharpe, Kevin White, Harold Green and others just dominated Georgia between the hedges.   Up and down the field we would roll, piling up nearly 400 yards while holding the Dawgs to under 250.  The Silver Britches only had two decent drives the entire afternoon.  One ended in their only touchdown and the other was a field goal.   Well, six times inside the Georgia Red Zone netted us only two field goals including the final knife to the gut when we fumbled inside the 1 yard line near the end of the game!  Final Score:  UGA 13, USC 6.  

Then there was 2002, when David Pollack got his fluke touchdown (their only one of the day) and we were at the goalline set to score the game winner when we fumbled an option pitch.  Final score:  13-7 Georgia.  No one has gotten more phantom calls, lucky breaks and overall good fortune than the mangy mongrels from Athens.  

Saturday afternoon, “Lady Luck” finally smiled on the Gamecocks against the Alpos as you know.  Dylan Thompson looked masterful just destroying an inept Georgia secondary.  Brandon Wilds plowed through Uggah in the second half like a machine.  Yes, if the pups had run Gurley on the goalline late they likely would have taken the lead.  They didn’t.  Yes it was a very close call on the holding that cost them a TD.  It happens that way some time.  

Poor play calling + failure to take advantage of chances + timely close penalties not going your way = a losing team.  That was UGA and crew this weekend, but it had been us in the past.   Being on this side of the equasion is MUCH better.  

If you read this site, you know that I always love the old Frank Howard quote:  “I don’t want the best team to win.  I want MY team to win.”  And my team won on Saturday!  So keep on howling at that moon my Georgia friends.  Now you know how it feels.  

It’s a great time to be a Gamecock!  

THE CRYSTAL BALL SAYS...

Overall Record... 10 - 2
83% CORRECT!

RESULTS FROM LAST WEEK:  5-1

(Green are correct picks and red are incorrect picks)

• Clemson defeated SC State
• Auburn defeated San Jose State
• Ole Miss defeated Vanderbilt
• Missouri defeated Toledo
• Calhoun Academy defeated Lee Academy
• South Carolina defeated East Carolina

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS WEEK'S GAMES...

WEEK 3 - Weekend of  SEPTEMBER 13th

KENTUCKY at FLORIDA

The Citrus Lizards will open up the Sunshine State Swampland on Saturday, hoping to take some Bluegrass Kittens for a pigskin death roll.  The Commonwealth Cats have no intention of taking a murky bath while in Gainesville, and hope to claw up the home snakes instead.  The hide on these particular chompers will prove to be too thick.     

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says...  Florida by 20

TENNESSEE at OKLAHOMA

The Smoky Mountain Militiamen will rumble into Norman this weekend, hoping to assault the local schooner operators before they can mount a defense.  But the home prairie folk rarely get caught napping, and they have some strong weapons to defend the camp.   Boomer Sooner vs. Rocky Top may be a heated matchup in karaoke world, but not on the gridiron.              

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says...   Oklahoma by 13

UCF at MISSOURI

The Orlando Warriors will gallop into the Midwest Kitten Farms on Saturday, hoping to put the local felines on a skewer.  The Kitty-Cats have sharp claws in Columbia West, and believe the visitors armor can be punctured with little effort.  The Show-me-State Meow Men will prevail when the day is done.          

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says...   Missouri by 10

CALHOUN ACADEMY AT THOMAS SUMTER ACADEMY

Troy Kessinger and his Congaree Pattons open up the Dalzell Training Base on Friday, ready to instruct some visiting horsemen from St. Matthews on Pigskin Protocol.   The St. Matthews Lancers have speared two victims so far this fall, and Adam Jarecki will have his Gold and Blue Gallopers set for another duel.  Should be a 3-0 slate for the Cavs as they return to the Bert Weeks Press Box. 

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says...   Calhoun Academy by 7

GEORGIA at SOUTH CAROLINA

Mark Richt and his Athens Alpos rumble into the Midlands Saturday afternoon, hoping to sink their overhyped jowels into the Columbia Cluckers.  The Bluff Road Poultry Plant has been vulnerable to attack so far this fall, and the Head Ball Coach knows it could happen again.  Everything points to a Pigksin Romp  for the Doggies, but will the Pups choke on the chicken bones? 

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says...   Georgia by 1 

Top 10 things about East Carolina fans visting your stadium…

10.          Visiting cheerleader zone has to have the Beech Nut residue hosed off. 
9.            High number of soiled jorts in the visitors’ restroom trash cans. 
8.            The lingering smell in that corner at W-B reminds you of Athens. 
7.            Prize winning mullets on every child. 
6.            Their creative ways of screaming  “Well we should have won,” as they leave. 
5.            The thousands of Moon Pie wrappers and empty Copenhagen tins.
4.            Record weekend sales for Huddle and Waffle Houses.
3.            They hate the Big 3 North Carolina schools more than we do. 
2.            Explaining to them that “twerking” is not a way of cleaning ears with Q-tips. 
1.            Ron Morris gets a chance for a family reunion.     

Other News from CAROLINA... Spurrier and Dabo confirm: “None of our nude photos were hacked”

With Hollywood reeling from the recent hacking of celebrity nude photographs from some phones, Steve Spurrier and Dabo Swinney were quick to assure Gamecock and Tiger fans they had not been victimized.  No nude photos of either coach were hacked as part of the scandal, which was a huge relief to the Palmetto State.  

Spurrier carries an iPhone 5 Black Diamond edition by Stuart Hughes, valued at roughly $16.5 million.  Dabo has an old Poloroid Square Shooter 2 Instant Film Land Camera, vauled at $16.99 on Ebay.  When asked if either of them had ever put any questionable images into “the cloud,” Spurrier said he had not.  Dabo said he didn’t think so  but noted, “Sometimes at night when the flash bulb goes off real bright it gets up there.”  

MOO U News: Clemson says S. C. State will now be its instate rival...

Dabo Swinney and crew rolled up 73 points against South Carolina State last weekend, prompting  the crazy one to one of his patented post-game commentaries.  “We are glad to finally have an instate rivalry here at Clemson.  We need one.” said Swinney, ignoring completely the annual matchup with the Gamecocks.    

When asked about who they end the season with, Swinney reeled off the Tigers’ last three bowl opponents.  “We’ve won everything you can win so far, but we needed a rival as well.  This one will work fine.”  When it was pointed out to the Coach that Clemson currently has a team in the Palmetto State who has beaten them five times in a row, he just laughed and said, “We don’t live in the past.”  

Darkest before the dawn?

I would guess that 90% of Carolina fans, if they were pumped with truth serum, would admit that they left the East Carolina game happy with the win, but with a HUGE knot in their bellies.  Did we “feel better” about things.  I suppose that term is relative.  You should almost always feel better with a win than a loss.  So yeah, I guess we feel better in that sense. 

But the long-term prognosis is bleak…at least according to those “in the know.”  The accepted narrative about this team nationally now is that we flopped against A & M, sputtered through against the Pirates and now will be slaughtered by the Dawgs.  How can you argue with that assessment based on the eyeball test?    

Our defense has been just putrid.  We look like we’re confused, weak, slow and small trying to stop anyone right now.  There is no reason to think that we have a magic gear we haven’t shown that will mysteriously appear against Georgia.  Gurley is probably salivating at the prospect of gashing through us early and often and just wearing us down like they did the Klimpletons in Athens. 

Meanwhile, on offense, it’s not nearly as bad, but there is a similar vibe there in the undercurrent.  Davis’s season has hardly lived up to the hype this fall and our majestic, royal, fantastic offensive line we were promised has largely flopped against two of the weaker defenses we will play.  Clemson may have had a nice game plan between the hedges and made a couple of big plays to keep it close, but once “Uggah” figured out what they were doing it was a slap-down. 

The bottom line is that if you had to bet real money on this game, most of us would have to choose the barkers.  The Vegas line has rocketed in Georgia’s favor since it opened at about a point or so.   No one, and I mean NO one (that I can find) with any credibility says we have a chance this weekend.  Heck, if we made it off the bus successfully and got our shoes tied, that would be a moral victory the way it’s being set up. 

Ever the contrarian, that is why I will now swerve into the insane lane for a moment.  When the entire football world and gridiron glitterati get together and guarantee without a doubt that something will not and could not possibly happen, look for it to happen.  I concur with all the Eggheads that have analyzed this matchup.  Georgia should win and win easily.  We don’t play well on CBS at 3:30 historically.  On paper, this game should be over by halftime. 

Well, in my opinion, when one team is coming in expecting a coronation and the other is a wounded animal that has been left for dead, strange things happen folks.  And don’t be surprised on Saturday afternoon if some kookiness appears at Williams-Brice. 

It's a great time to be a Gamecock!

The Crystal Ball says...

Overall Record... 5 - 1
83% CORRECT!

RESULTS FROM LAST WEEK:  5-1

(Green are correct picks and red are incorrect picks)

• Georgia defeated Clemson 
• Auburn defeated Arkansas
• LSU defeated Wisconsin
• Alabama defeated West Virginia
• Calhoun Academy defeated Dorchester Academy
• Texas A&M defeated South Carolina

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS WEEK'S GAMES...

WEEK 2 - Weekend of  SEPTEMBER 6th

S. C. STATE at CLEMSON

Pickens County will open its favorite Cat House on Saturday, hoping the Overrated Orangies can claw up some visiting barkers from the Orangeburg Alpo Yards.  Buddy Pough and his raging “Rovers” plan to bury some gridiron bones in the upstate turf, but they may find the digging a tall order.  The home kittens have already been chopped by some red clay droolers in Athens last week.  Don’t expect it to happen again. 

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Moo U by 38

SAN JOSE STATE at AUBURN

The Hoplite Infantry of Southern California will sail some of their soldiers into Jordan-Hare on Saturday, hoping to capture the Fighting Malzhans in a pigskin noose.  War Eagle is expecting the attack on the plains, and will have their gridiron talons razor sharp.  Ancient Greeks don’t usually come knocking at Toomers Corner, and this group will be headed back to the left coast empty-handed.

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Auburn by 18

OLE MISS at VANDERBILT

Colonel Reb and the Oxford Gentlemen stroll into the Nashville Shipyards this weekend, hoping to enjoy some mint juleps Derek Mason’s Music City Dinghy.  The Volunteer State Skippers know the refined rebels plan to be in town, and they’ll do everything possible to protect their vessel.  Too much mincemeat pie will carry the day.          

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Ole Miss by 10

MISSOURI at TOLEDO

Some astronauts from northwest Ohio will open up the Maumee Bay Glass Bowl on Saturday, hoping to declaw some visiting felines from the Show Me State.  The Columbia Catnips have no intention of being blasted into space by the Otter Creek Orbits, so the Lake Erie Torpedos better be carrying a lot of missile fuel.  Go with the Golden Kittens in this one. 

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Missouri by 13

CALHOUN ACADEMY at LEE ACADEMY

It will be the Cavalier Bowl on Friday night, as the Fighting Jareckis gallop away from Academy Road to invade the Lee County Jousting Fields.  The home squires promise to have their lances sharpened for the sporting affair, but the invading inamoratos don’t plan to be bested.  Look for the St. Matthews Duelers to head back down I-20 with their Paramour Feathers still in place.

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says... Calhoun Academy by 9

EAST CAROLINA at SOUTH CAROLINA

A rowdy bunch of seafaring looters will sail into the Midlands on Saturday night, hoping to procure some pigskin plunder at the Bluff Road Poultry Plant.  Steve Spurrier and his scarlet hens have already been plucked a few times this fall, and may not have any gridiron plumage left.  If the Crimson Cluckers want to avoid being plopped in the fryer again, they better stop laying eggs. 

The Cockabooster Crystal Ball says...   East Carolina in a big upset by 5.

GAMECOCK TIDBITS: Spurrier and Dabo take off to Panama City

Spurrier and Dabo hit links
during retreat at PCB.

Feeling unappreciated and embarrassed by their teams’ opening games, Dabo Swinney and Steve Spurrier disappeared on a 48 hour bender to Panama City, Florida.  Spurrier told Swinney that he knew some local hangouts where they could go where no one had a cell phone or internet access.  Cletus Palooka, Panama City historian and Provost at the University of Georgia, is the only known witness who saw the two coaches in town.  “I was just about to open a fresh pouch of Chattanooga Chew when I looked up and there they were on top of an RV.  Dabo had a couple of ‘talls’ and Steve was shirtless pulling on a Coors.  I guess they needed to blow off some steam.” 

Rumors surfaced this week that Dabo wanted to reenact the last scene from “Thelma and Louise” but Spurrier declined.  “I wouldn’t do it unless I was Harvey Keitel.  I’m no Geena Davis.”  

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE -- BREAKING NEWS...The Cock-A-Booster offers full public apology for his optimism…

Reeling from his first taste of genuine optimism in the Gamecock football program in nearly 30 years, the Cock-A-Booster (called the “Sage of St. Matthews” by no one and “the most knowledgeable BBQ spokesman located Southeast of Due West and North, South Carolina…” by even fewer) held an impromptu press conference this week to assure Gamecock fans it won’t happen again. 

“In all of my years of following Carolina sports, I have always been careful never to enjoy it very much.  I have always sacrificed my personal enjoyment to make sure I never jinx USC.  Sadly, my selfish ways and one too many cashews led to an unfortunate mistake.”  The Cock-A-Booster went on to list several times that he came close to feeling good about the Gamecocks over the years, but never had he fallen prey to the temptress known as pleasant, sunny optimism. 

“Let me assure everyone in the garnet and black that this tragic error will never take place again.  I will now permanently return somewhere between ‘Know-it-all Boulevard’ and ‘Sarcasm Lane’ forever.”  As a sign of good faith, the Cock-A-Booster promises the Carolina nation that he will pick Moo U to beat Florida State next week.  “It’s the least I can do to make up for this.”