THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Dabo Swinney now personally offended at everything not said by Steve Spurrier

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

Clemson football Coach Dabo Swinney, badly in need of a media distraction and a Public Relations stunt to fire up his fan base, is now going to be offended on behalf of Clemson by misquoting folks left and right. He tested the water by attributing a quote from former Gamecock QB Todd Ellis to Steve Spurrier. “I had to see if my fans were going to buy this. I can see they are MORE than ready to believe whatever I say as long as I am misquoting someone from South Carolina,” Swinney said. “Sure, Will Merritt, Rodney Williams and Mike Eppley have made fun of our rivals for years but what the heck? It’s working.”

Since he mastered the formula, Swinney has gone bananas. “I hear Steve Spurrier flew on a military plane and declared the Iraq War over with a ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. My kids and grandkids will NEVER live long enough to see that finished. So I guess I agree with Spurrier. Iraq is no United States and the United States is no Clemson. Tweet that!” 

Dabo then proceeded to attribute other random quotes to the Gamecocks and Spurrier. “I heard Coach Spurrier thinks ‘we have nothing to fear but fear itself?’ I am disappointed to hear that because I have a lot of respect for him. If you ask me, Gamecocks have always had fear to fear, and we ain’t nobody’s fear, you hear? Dadgummit I stand up for my team!” When asked how FDR’s quote from the depression era related to his program, Swinney flipped us the bird and said, “We ain’t depressed. We got greatness. One dream. WORD!” 

Realizing that he was starting to really stretch it, Swinney doubled-down the gauntlet at Spurrier one more time. “Any man that would sit there and accuse me of becoming the man he wanted to marry needs to back off,” Swinney yelled through spittle with a confused look, butchering the famous quote from Gloria Steinem. “Don’t attack my program and then pretend you are in Chapel Hill. Or Los Angeles. Clemson is woman, hear us roar!” 

Clemson's Athletic Director Terry Don Phillips then quickly tackled the Coach and injected a healthy dose of valium into his system, promising that Dabo would only be allowed to speak in public in the future under heavy medication.