LSU resents reputation as a school full of fighting drunks

This story is fake, so do NOT take it too serious!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT

LSU CHANCELLOR - Mike Martin

Louisiana State University Chancellor Mike Martin is tired of attending seminars and conferences and hearing that his University is a bunch of fighting drunks.  Martin says the flagship school for the Pelican State is so much more than that.  “You know we also have a large number of hot sauce snorters, gumbo chefs and pig-wrestlers in our honors program.  Don’t try to pigeon-hole this beautiful school as merely intoxicated pugilists.” 

 

Martin acknowledges that visiting fans from other schools will always first think of LSU as a place where they will be heckled and have things thrown at them.   “And that’s fine with me.  We don’t want to lose that reputation we’ve earned over the years.  I just want to make sure our other good qualities don’t get lost in the discussion.”  

Specifically, LSU has vastly improved the number of their students who urinate in a Ziploc bag during football games and throw said bag into the visiting sections.  Martin points out that “fighting drunks” doesn’t cover items like that.  “Yes, and we also strongly encourage battery throwing and pouring of liquor onto female fans from other schools and the like.  It’s tough to capture all that we do in Baton Rouge into a 2-word soundbite.”  

Martin says although progress has been made, more work has to be done.  “We’re still not nearly as creative and gross as Georgia, and we don’t do nearly enough strange things with animals like they do in Starkville so there is work to do moving forward.  We’ll get there.”