|THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!
AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --
Sources close to the Clemson football program are reporting that Dabo Swinney will be given a six year contract extension, and that has Gamecock fans all over South Carolina ready to celebrate. USC Athletic Director Eric Hyman says that Clemson signing Swinney for the long-term would be another step forward for Gamecock football. “Look at what Dabo has already been able to do to. Clemson hadn’t had a losing streak to USC since the Nixon administration and he pulled it off. This is just great news for the entire Gamecock Nation.”
Although the mood was much more somber and reserved in the upstate, Clemson’s Athletic Director did force out a few comments about the Tigers re-signing their head coach. Terry Don Done Did Dat Ding Dong Beech Nut Wintergreen Phillips says there was no way to avoid bringing Swinney back at this time. “I didn’t want to do this but money dictates it. We are caught in a bad spot right now. It is what it is. We made some hideous financial decisions that got us trapped with this lunatic, and so we’re going to make the best of it. Hopefully we’re due for the old ‘blind hog’ running into an acorn or two.”
When asked if the recent ACC Championship played any part in the decision, Phillips just laughed. “Well, it would have if I had found a way financially to get rid of him. Thankfully we got humiliated by West Virginia so any problem I would have faced was quickly removed.”
Phillips did make sure to include mandatory tranquilizers and sedatives for Swinney before any appearances on national television moving forward to avoid any further embarrassing moments for Clemson. “We don’t need him hopping around like a spider monkey anymore. And we certainly don’t want him telling the entire nation how wonderful our defense is just minutes before they give up 70 points. By pumping him full of heavy narcotics each week, those problems should go away.”