|THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!
AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --
After a Clemson University star football player was arrested this week for illegal narcotics and possession, Dabo Swinney promised his fan base that he would not tolerate anymore actions of this type in the future from the local Clemson Police Department. “Those folks better watch themselves in the future,” said Swinney. “Who pays their salaries? Our football team. I mean is it really a crime to have unprescribed controlled substances as a teenager and be smoking marijuana? I mean COME ON!”
Swinney says that the player in question was on his way to the local orphanage to pass out toys before going to church when he ran into a friend doing those awful things. Apparently, he was only trying to help his buddy stay out of trouble. “Frankly, I was moved to tears by the selfless generosity this fine young man showed. He was willing to pretend it was him breaking the law to help a friend. Unbelievable in this day and age and our police should know better.”
Swinney says that in the future, steps will be taken to make sure all issues of this type are kept “within the family” so that nobody will get the wrong idea of how he runs his program. “I am sure this was a new young policeman who hadn’t had the ‘rules’ explained to him. We’ll take care of it. We all make mistakes.”
Unfortunately, due to the public spectacle that has arisen as a result of the arrest, Swinney will be forced to offer some type of punishment as a smoke-screen. “Yeah, I hate it but this bad publicity is serious and I have to cover our rear ends. He may have to miss the 1st quarter of the Ball State game but what can I do?”
Clemson Athletic Director Terry Don Knick Knack Paddy Whack Givadogga Bone Phillips echoed Swinney’s outrage over the arrest, channeling Taggert from Blazing Saddles. “We’ll make that Police Department feel like a chicken that’s been caught in a Tractor’s…well you know.”