THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Georgia whining that their schedule is STILL too hard!

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

After being handed the 2011 SEC East Division by not having to play any of the West’s Big 3, Georgia has already been given the same free pass for 2012.  That’s not going to be quite easy enough to assure a return to Atlanta for the pups, and Mark Richt is asking for more help. 

“You know, we only get 1 open date.  We should be able to have an open date before and after every conference game.  Also, we really shouldn’t have to play all the teams in the East,” said Richt who had some ideas for improving Georgia’s “difficulties.”  “I mean I would suggest we play Ole Miss three times and lose Florida and South Carolina off the schedule.  They could pick up someone else from the West too or play Alabama or LSU twice.”

Finally, Richt suggested that the Dawgs should be allowed to add some “bigger” high schools in the Peach State to fill out future schedules.  “What if Ga. Southern gets good enough to compete?  That wouldn’t be fair.  We’ll take Houston County High School instead.” 

In further Bulldog Football news, Coach Richt announced that his formerly macho program has some major new sponsors for 2012, including Natracare, Seventh Generation, Holistic Beauty’s “Yeastaway,” and Simplee Wonderful.  Finally, the traditional “Glory, Glory” fight song at Sanford Stadium has been replaced by The Village People’s “In the Navy.” 

Spurrier is feeling it!

Steve Spurrier has started to let some of his patented “digs” out of the bag after several years of being quiet.  There is a little more bounce in his step and he has a cockier twinkle in his eye.  It is patently obvious that USC has more under the hood than ever and 2012 could be special.  Yes, yes, we have a LONG way to go until the fall.  Injuries can happen of course and chemistry has to be a part of the equation. 

Having said that, there is much to like about the 2012 Carolina Football team.  On offense, Connor Shaw should be a much better signal-caller, and even not counting Marcus Lattimore the Gamecocks are loaded at the skill positions.  On defense, Devin Taylor and Jadaveon Clowney will headline a salty defense that will be right up there with the other SEC units. 

Sure there are question marks.  There always will be.  Who wouldn’t miss Melvin Ingram, Antonio Allen, Alshon Jeffery and Stephon Gilmore?  The difference is that finally we have a program with big names replacing the big names that leave.  All levels of the program are improved and it is showing. 

As it is every year, the schedule is the biggest problem facing this team.  Count me among those who don’t like the Thursday night in Nashville to open the season.  Vandy won’t have realized that they are just a polished-up turd yet and will probably play their best game of the year that night.  Dangerous game.  As we saw last year, ECU loves playing us so that won’t be easy.  Another dangerous game. 

But let’s say we maneuver through those two land mines and beat UAB.  Look at the next 5 games:  Mizzou, @ Kentucky, Jawja, @ LSU and @ Florida.  That is a meat grinder folks.  Tennessee and Arkansas close out the conference slate in Columbia after that and we have two in-state bunny games to finish the year.  J 

It won’t be easy to match the success of last year’s team as you can see.  Florida will be much better and The Georgia Bulldogs are hoping beyond hope that a schedule quirk can help them fall rear-end backwards into another unearned Eastern Division title.    Count me and Steve Spurrier among those telling the Lizards and Silver Britches to bring it on. 

This goes double for Athens.  Dawg fans better enjoy the SEC pampering and looking out for them and not having to play the tough teams from the West.  I actually am happy that I have lived to see the day when Georgia knows they can’t beat the Gamecocks and smoke and mirrors is their only hope.  That’s fine.  I’ll take my confident Head Ball Coach and loaded football team any day of the week.  

MOO U News: Dabo being considered for Arkansas job in his mind

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

Having lost four of his last six games including the worst bowl defeat in college football history, Clemson crazy-man in chief Dabo Swinney has convinced himself that Arkansas is after him to coach the Razorbacks.  The new fantasy is the latest of many entertaining delusions from the always entertaining coach.  Long-time Cockabooster contributor Monty Bennett, aka “Tiger Paw Pete,” remembers them all.

“Yeah old Dabo thought he was Alabama’s 2nd choice behind Saban, that the Vatican wanted him for Pope, CBS was looking at him to replace Bob Barker on the Price is Right and the Food Network was considering him to be the next Paula Deen.  He thinks Apple wanted him to be the next Steve Jobs and recently he had himself convinced that the S. C. Senate tried to make him Lt. Governor after Ken Ard resigned.  You never know what goofy nonsense we’ll get from Dat Boy.” 

Perhaps the strangest example of Swinney pretending someone wants him is the 2012 Republican Presidential Primary sweepstakes.  Swinney was in tears as he announced he was pulling out of a race in which he never was involved.  “I appreciate so much being offered the GOP nomination and I am flattered, but now is just not the right time for me to do this.” 

Clemson Athletic Director Terry Don Hubba Bubba Dee Ding Billy Joe Phillips says incidents like these don’t bother folks at Clemson.  “It’s just the fleas that come with the dog.  He isn’t hurting anyone by pretending these things.”  

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Cock-A-Booster drives Petrino out of Arkansas

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AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

When the Cock-A-Booster released its recent Top 10 list about embattled Razorbacks Coach Bobby Petrino, we had no idea it would lead to his firing.  Cock-A-Booster CEO and Supreme Potentate Ted Felder was stunned by the news.  “I knew folks all over the Southeast were hanging on every word that we write, but to get a prominent coach fired after a simple Top 10 list?  I had no clue we wielded that type of power.” 

When it was pointed out to Felder that Petrino’s actions surrounding the motorcycle accident, including the lying, coverup, illegal cash disbursement and secret relationship may have also played a role, he chuckled and rolled his eyes.  ”I mean those things may have been a part of the background noise, I’ll give you that.  Secondary ingredients in the stew?  Okay.  But we all know it was the bone-rattling humor of that list that really carried the day.  We had a picture of a naked man riding a hog.  Enough said.” 

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Top Ten Bobby Petrino Excuses!

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AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --
 

Bobby test-drives his
new bike.

10.       He only was riding a motorcycle because the “Boss Hogg” Cadillac was in the shop. 

9.         Heard a rumor Saban did it so he wanted to copy him.  As usual, he fell short.       

8.         He does all his job interviews that way. 

7.         He thought she was his cousin, which would have made the affair acceptable in Arkansas.   

6.         Frank Broyles dared him to do it over some moonshine. 

5.         He just assumed all successful coaches use their positions to tempt young women into life-threatening situations.  

4.         Arkansas is the Natural State.  What’s more natural than robbing an Ozark cradle?    

3.         By disgracing himself enough, he might end up on Dancing with the Stars.  

2.        He heard the fountain of youth was at a Truck Stop near the Oklahoma border. 

1.         Believed news reports out of Fayetteville that he can walk on water.      

  

Some Gamecock fans really need to grow up

It takes a long time to change a ground-in mindset.  Lacking the ability to recognize a change in circumstances can lead to poor decision-making.  Now there is no question in athletics I would rather be a program on the rise (like Carolina) who has a section of their fan base that hasn’t adapted to it yet.  Certainly the need to get used to winning is always preferable to being a once strong program who is now on the decline. 

Having said that, while the change is happening, it does “seem” temporarily easier for the fans in denial at the formerly winning school.    The next game always seems to be the start of a new winning streak for them, while for us we have fans who live in fear of the next game being the start of a losing streak.  I guess three decades of playing a losing role will do that to you but it’s frustrating.

Baseball is a good example of what I mean in South Carolina.  Until Ray Tanner arrived in the late 90s, Clemson largely dominated the diamond (Yes, outside of a mid-70s run by some very strong Gamecock squads).  Then after Tanners first couple of seasons were under his belt, he proceeded to rocket his program to new heights and has landed 2 national championships.  USC is among the national elite and is both feared and respected...by everyone.  Our stadium is a baseball palace and going to a game at “The Ray” is awesome. 

Then came 2012 and our “rough” start.  For those who understand baseball, a year like this was going to happen.  It was just a matter of numbers and odds, and it shouldn’t be surprising or a big deal.  For the first time in a while, the bounces don’t seem to be going our way and we are losing most of the tight 1-run games.  The annual “reloading” may just honestly be a rebuilding.  That could all still be true, but we end up with a postseason of great things. 

If you’re one of the fans who lives in fear of your own shadow, I get it based on our history.  I really do and I was one of those fans myself for a long time.  Just save it for football and hoops moving forward.  How can everyone else in the country love, fear or respect this program, but we have a sizeable % of the fan base that can’t just get behind them and enjoy the ride? 

I will give you a clue that will let you know you’re one of these “fans.”  If your reaction to this is, “who the heck are you to tell me what kind of fan I need to be,” then congratulations you’re Exhibit A and need to go soak your head.  Grow up and enjoy this baseball program!  Trust In Tanner! 

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Top Ten signs Carolina hired the right basketball coach!

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AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

10.    Ron Morris wanted someone else.

9.      His first name is Frank and last name starts with an M. 

8.      Tommy Moody reminded everyone how good Kentucky and Florida are.  

7.      Corey Miller, Rick Sanford and Teddy Heffner all had to stop bashing Carolina for an entire week! 

6.      Martin’s 1st local radio appearance?  Jay Phillips on 107.5 the Game. 
5.      Brad Brownell immediately embraced his return to total anonymity 

4.      Item 1 on Martin’s to do list? Buying a Thesaurus for Andy Demetra. 

3.      Item 2?  Telling Bruce Ellington he doesn’t care if he plays or not, like Gene Hackman did Jimmy in Hoosiers. 

2.      He immediately hired the Cockabooster as a boiled peanuts and grits consultant. 

1.      He gave his Brylcreem account to Crazy Joe at the Carolina Barber Shop in 5 points.    

MOO U News: Dabo Swinney promises to “out-crazy” Frank Martin. Martin says bring it on!

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

 





Clemson’s Athletic Department was initially concerned when South Carolina hired Frank Martin as its basketball coach.  After all, Martin brings a hard and wild edge to the court that the Tiger’s coach and anal-retentive librarian Brad Brownell just can’t match.  Stepping up to assure Tiger boosters that they have nothing to worry about was football coach Dabo Swinney. 

Swinney, who is known for wearing ladies’ underwear on his head at church and riding broomsticks as if they were horses on the sidelines, says he will do whatever it takes to make sure Clemson remains a national laughing stock.  “Yeah, old Brad’s a nice guy but you won’t see him sticking forks into light sockets or bathing in 1000 Island dressing.  That’s what I am here for.” 

When told of Swinney’s throwing down the gauntlet, apparently Martin cackled loudly and started eating individual bricks off the side of his house.  “There is a new head nut in town and this one’s got 8 layers of crazy.” Martin then proceeded to light a zippo and hold the flame to his palm while reciting nursery rhymes. 

Baseball team slowly finding its identity

You could feel the almost giddy naysayers crawling up out of the ooze on Sunday afternoon, ready to pounce on Ray Tanner.  The suddenly "human" Gamecocks had given away a 4-0 lead at Vanderbilt and couldn’t get Matt Price a run no matter how long he was on the mound.  It appeared that Carolina was headed toward another weekend loss and a 2-7 start in the SEC.  USC had lost most of the close games this year that had broken our way in other campaigns.  Even “optimistic” Garnet and Black backers were privately whispering that Sunday had the feel of a “must-win” contest and it was not looking good .

Then Christian Walker stepped up as he has done many times before.  After he blasted the winning home run clear out of Nashville to give the Gamecocks the weekend series win, all of the “negative nancys” were put on notice that the YardCocks aren’t ready to give up on 2012 anytime soon. 

Coach Tanner was almost prophetic when he talked preseason about how five 1-run games is the difference between 40-20 and 35-25.  Some may have yawned through that sentiment but look at where we are. He was dead-on right.  Carolina is curently 20-8 and 3-6 in the conference.  More importantly, we are 0-3 in 1-run SEC games so far, while we went 6-3 in conference 1-run games in 2011. 

The good news is that the “light” part of our schedule now sits in front of us.  We have three home weekends sandwiched around a trip to Auburn, the only one of the upcoming opponents ranked this week.  Even if we go just 8-4 in those games and 4-1 in the midweek games, that would position Carolina 32-13 and over .500 in the conference.  Plus our younger players will have gotten plenty of “seasoning.”  As The Cockabooster has been saying all along, for this team it is much more important to find chemistry and our "sea legs" than in some years. 

Granted, that probably wouldn't give us much hope at a national seed, but I do think we still will land a regional at “The Ray.”  And anyone who thinks that Tallahassee, Chapel Hill, Coral Gables or Raleigh wants to see the Gamecocks coming to town for a Super Regional is crazy, history or no history. 

Do we wish we had picked off a game in Lexington and maybe that finale against the lizards?  Sure we do.  But we’ve gotten those close bounces ourselves many times in the past and that’s baseball.  We’ll be there when it counts.  Trust In Tanner! 

Time for Gamecock Fans to do their part in hoops!

Now we find out if the Gamecock Nation is serious about basketball.  Carolina fans had made it crystal clear that they were done with Darrin Horn, and that the Colonial Center would remain an empty garnet tomb until he was gone.  Give Eric Hyman credit for responding to that call in a positive way.  Not only did he remove Horn, but he hit a complete home run in hiring his replacement.  Hyman also made it clear that USC is in a much better place financially now and that consistent resources would be pumped into the program.  In other words, Carolina fans your bluff is being called. 

There are some SEC schools that have decided that basketball is not a priority and it won’t ever be.  That path wasn’t a true option in Columbia after the Colonial Center was built.  So although I am no “company line” defender of Hyman, he was right to double-down and spend the cash and get a coach that is going to put an exciting product on the floor.

Frank Martin appears to be exactly what is needed.  An energetic and outspoken personality, this is a guy that will dive into the Gamecock Club meetings head first and generate interest.  He also has real national panache and is on every large media outlet due to his colorful commentary and strong AAU ties.  Plus he comes across to me as having just a touch of crazy in his eyes, like he might just walk around with dynamite strapped to his chest.  I like it that we have a coach with that kind of “edge” about him.  And I don’t mean “off to the clocktower” angry crazy like Jack Leggett, or “Tigger at Disneyworld” lunatic crazy like Dabo. 

Regardless, this is definitely a coach the fans can unify behind if they choose to and bring relevance back to Gamecock basketball.  And relevance doesn’t mean “being Kentucky.”  It just means being competitive, winning games and finally becoming a factor in the conference and postseason.  Here are a few reasonable and specific targets for Martin to hit during his first five seasons:

• At least 2 appearances in the NCAA Tournament
• 2 other appearances in the NIT
• 2 visits to the SEC tournament semifinals
• Win 1 meaningful NCAA Tournament game (which would be our first since the early 70s)

Based on where the program is today I would take that list. 

Assuming that happens, Gamecock fans need to double the average attendance at least for basketball games at the Colonial.  At the very least, SEC game attendance should double.  So welcome Coach Martin.  Carolina basketball needed you badly and let’s hope we’re still discussing you in six or seven years.