MOO U News: Jack Leggett turns to “Dabo” to help distract his fans

This is not a true story...Please do not take it too serious!

 



AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

Currently sitting with a mediocre record of 26-19 and 14-10 in the unusually weak ACC, Clemson’s Jack Leggett knew he needed to do something and quick.  After all, his program is at best in a rut, the Gamecocks whipped his team yet again this year and sit in the Top 5, and Clemson is likely on the road for the regionals this summer.  

What do you do if you’re a Tiger coach in that situation?  Leggett decided to reach out to the resident expert on such distractions in Pickens County, A. Little Dab-o-Swinney.  “I told Jack he needed to make up a strange quote and just pretend that Ray Tanner said it.  Then come up with a simple-to-grasp two or three word catch phrase that the fans can cling to.  It won’t mean anything but they’ll forget about the results on the field.”  

Leggett has moved forward on the plan, this week saying he was offended that Ray Tanner had referred to him as both a loser and a “danish-eating communist who smells like a motherless wart hog.”  

When reached in Columbia and asked if he had any comment, Tanner denied saying anything about Leggett’s political views or his aroma.  “I’m not sure where Jack got that.  If you had to pin me down about his scent I actually would have said he was an Aqua Velva man but I really don’t know.”  Leggett says Tanner’s denial and refusal to disassociate himself from the comment proves he said it.  

Leggett went on to say that the Gamecocks can bring it on because he and his program are “Shovel Ready!”  When asked exactly what the new catch phrase was supposed to mean, Leggett shook his head and said that the Clemson fans are good with it.  “Ask anyone in orange, son.  Shovel Ready--2012 baby!!”

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Eric Hyman says his success is only matched by his humility

This story is fake, so do NOT take it too serious!

You would think having the Gamecock Athletic Department in the best shape it has ever been and defeating the NCAA would make Eric Hyman cocky.  “Not so,” said the USC Athletic Director, who recently held a series of press conferences to let everyone know he doesn’t want credit for the good things happening in Columbia.

Firing off random clichés and sporting a new “Pimp” look, Hyman tried not to sound too cocky.  “Yeah, Old Eric understands that this ain’t about Eric.  Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, which for my Clemson friends means Either I will find a way or I will make one.”

Holding a dog leash connected to a collared Ron Morris, Hyman said he didn’t want to spend much time talking about himself so questions would be limited to 4 hours.  Then while the first question was being asked, he interrupted and started quoting everyone from Nietzsche to Gandhi to modern urban culture.  

“I am not perfect folks.  Eric Hyman has made mistakes, including doubting Eric Hyman at times.  If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes into you.  You don't understand. You don't understand because you don't understand liberty. You don't understand freedom.  Do not fault the successful participant in a flawed system; try instead to discern and rebuke that aspect of its organization which allows or encourages the behavior that has provoked your displeasure.”

When confused reporters asked for clarification about the last quote, Hyman laughed loudly and said, “Don’t hate the Playa, hate the game!”  After strutting through a powerpoint slideshow about his life, Hyman closed out the press conference with a brief statement.  “Yes, I exude excellence and we all know this.  But this Luke Skywalker has had his Obi-Wans too, and humility is what must always be at my center.  Peace out from the E-H.”

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETT: Arkansas Razorbacks suing Piggly-Wiggly over “Weak Pig” image

This story is fake, so do NOT take it too serious!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

To prevent possible litigation, the University of Arkansas Athletic Department
is requesting that Piggly Wiggly consider the above logo proposals.
UA wants Piggly Wiggly to put "the fight" back into their pig!!!  ALL PIGS UNITE!

When Clarence Saunders founded the first Piggly-Wiggly in Memphis in 1919, he thought he was doing a good thing.  The Athletic Department at the University of Arkansas begs to differ.  They are tired of what they call the "neutering" of their mascot’s image.  

Arkansas A. D. Jeff Long explained this week that the school has spent millions promoting a fierce and brutal porcine animal as the heart and spirit of athletics in Fayetteville and Little Rock.  According to Long, the happy and smiling face at the stores hurts those efforts and they are asking the courts to intervene immediately. 

“College Athletics is a big business and with all due respect to Piggly-Wiggly, they have to stop this.  There is nothing happy or friendly about an Arkansas Razorback,” said Long when addressing the lawsuit details.  “We are asking the store to go with a more menacing look in the future.”

Long did indicate that if the chain will not go with a completely dark and mean symbol, perhaps there was room for compromise.  “I mean we could go with Pumbaa from The Lion King or that Pink Pig from the Angry Birds game.  Even Miss Piggy would be better.”

Piggly-Wiggly had no comment on the lawsuit, but off the record the store says it might try to work something out.  “We understand that our mascot is about as intimidating as Porky Pig or Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web, but our target back then was the female and family shopper demographic.  Not sports fans.  Now we are pushing tailgate trays and paper plates and stuff so an upgrade may be in order.”  

The two sides plan to have private negotiations to find a settlement.  There is no truth to the rumor that delicious Piggly-Wiggly pork ribs will be served. 

Don’t forget the context on the NCAA nonsense!

As the book is closed on the NCAA’s insane probe of Carolina over a tempest in a teacup, folks are now heaping praise on the Gamecock administration’s obvious decision to bend over, grab its collective ankles and pray.  OF COURSE we had to play nice and go above and beyond this past time because we are under “repeat offender” status due to the rampant tutoring that was going on under Lou Holtz.  That’s the point that is being lost in this and it’s irritating.  

Where USC should have fought the NCAA was during the first go-around.  And yes, basically the two “horrible crimes” that Carolina committed as a result of that were tutoring too much and someone getting a ride to said tutoring.  That was it folks.  Thanks to that, largely caused by our insistence on being “guilty until proven innocent in all cases,” we had this idiotic repeat offender tag put on our heads.  In other words, what helped us “get out of trouble” the second time is what got us into trouble the first time.  

I know my opinion on this is the minority view, and I get that the results ended up okay for USC…this time.  I would just hope we can all acknowledge that the NCAA is at best inconsistent and at worst hypocritical and disingenuous.  Some are speculating that the positive reaction to our handling of this recent investigation is going to set a new standard for other schools to follow and that the message is if you’ve done something wrong admit it and you’ll fare better. 

I certainly hope that’s the case but I have seen too many examples of just flat-out rotten stuff go unpunished when the school goes into “prove it” mode and they are making the NCAA tons of money.  

So color me skeptical until one of “those” situations is upon us and the new NCAA approach gets fully tested.    Let’s see what happens when a national title game or non-ACC/Big East BCS Bowl game could be affected by eligibility issues.  I’ll believe it when I see it. 

So yes, I give full credit to Eric Hyman, Steve Spurrier and everyone else who handled this recent NCAA saga.  Hopefully, this new double-secret probation marks the last time we have to deal with the NCAA goons and they will actually start looking at schools who need a good probing.  Until then, enjoy my middle-finger salute to the NCAA as they leave Columbia with their final pound of Gamecock flesh.  Don’t let the door hit you…well you know the rest.  Off to do some evil tutoring.  GASP!! 

MOO U News: Dabo: “NCAA is a bunch of Poopy-Heads”



THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --



 Clemson head football Coach Dabo Swinney and the Clemson faithful were rubbing their hands and chuckling with pleasure as they awaited the giant NCAA hammer that was supposed to come down on South Carolina Friday afternoon.  Instead, the NCAA broke all orange hearts, accepting the Gamecocks’ self-imposed penalties and heaped buckets of praise on USC for their level of cooperation, which “went beyond standard expectations.” 

As a result, protection has been ordered for all sheep and wives in the upstate.  Hades broke loose in Pickens County upon hearing the news, as the upstate cousin kissers had put all their eggs into this basket.  There was a strong belief that finally they would have something good to discuss about Carolina.  Cockabooster contributor Monty Bennett, aka “Tiger Paw Pete,” said the reality of the disappointment had only begun to sink in.  “Most folks can’t even put in a fresh chaw.”

Particularly depressed about the announcement was Tiger football Coach Dabo Swinney, who now will do his best remind Clemson fans that they beat Virginia Tech twice this year.  Swinney did his best to spin the bad news to his favor of course, pointing out that this only proves that even when it comes to cheating, Carolina will never be Clemson.  “Our cheating is 1st class authentic gross stuff.  We lost years of bowl games and tv appearances.  Carolina ain’t even man enough to get really punished!  Tweet that!”  Swinney went on to say that the NCAA is a bunch of “poopy-heads who don’t play fair.” 

See I told you so!......Baseball Team getting ready for tough stretch run!

As predicted on The Cock-A-Booster before the season, this very talented but very young Gamecock Baseball team would go through some wobbles early and face a lot of challenges.  Sure enough, they stumbled and bumbled around for a while and got popped in the mouth up in Lexington and by Florida.  Before we knew it they stood 1-5 in the SEC and admittedly it wasn’t a fun start.  

Having said that, also as predicted here, USC’s young players and veterans gathered themselves together and responded with vigor!  The Gamecocks have now rolled off 4 straight series wins including two sweeps in a row over Miss. State and Auburn.  It all adds up to 10 of 12 wins in the conference of late and a conference record of 11-7, tied for the 3rd best record in the SEC.  Also, we are now just 2 games out of 1st!  

If you were one of the ones who bailed during the tough start, you have to admit that Pankake, Montgomery, Dantzler, English, Greiner and other new faces are finding that voice, that chemistry that will be needed if USC is going to seriously defend the 2 national titles.  

There are still those haplessly mired in negativity who will write off the recent success due to weaker opposition.  To use a scientific phrase to answer that….WELL DUH!!!  To all those “Sherlocks” in the “Captain Obvious Club,” congratulations on your brilliant insight there.  I get it that Kentucky and Florida are more like the teams we’ll see in the Regionals, Supers and Omaha.  The question is whether or not getting the recent wins and tons of experience will improve the team to the point where we are better when we see that talent level across the field again. 

Alabama’s Crimson Tide comes to Columbia this weekend and Carolina will be heavy favorites including the ESPN National Game of the Week on Thursday.  Even if we only win 2 in that series, the Gamecocks will head into the final stretch of the season at 32-13 and 13-8, right where I thought we would be.  Georgia, Arkansas and LSU is without a doubt a perilous lineup of weekends.  

I think the last month or so has seasoned us up and we’ll be ready.  If not, okay but don’t tell me we aren’t a MUCH better baseball team for the stretch run.   Are we a National Seed?  Not yet, but I think if it the field were selected today we are a regional host.  

And I ask the same question I did during the early losses:  If we do hit the road for the Supers, do you honestly think anyone in Tallahassee, Coral Gables, Raleigh or Chapel Hill wants to see us come to town?  No way!   

AS ALWAYS...Trust In Tanner!  

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: This Just In!!...Auburn asks Cam Newton to pitch this weekend!

This story is fake, so do take it too serious!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

Auburn Head Coach - John Pawlowski

Having lost 12 straight baseball series to the Gamecocks in recent years, the Auburn Tigers figure Cam Newton is their best hope to stop the trend. 

Tiger head coach John Pawlowski talked about his decision to “call back” Cam Newton from the NFL for the weekend.  “Cam still has all of his baseball eligibility and the Gamecocks seem to get psyched out when he is on the field so why not?  We can’t do any worse!” 

Auburn Baseball has been
"tur--uh-bull" over the years!

Former Auburn Basketball star Charles Barkley says putting Newton on the mound is a good move, but thinks he should have been asked first.  “I mean Cam’s okay and all.  He has proven that he can beat the ever-livin’ crap out of the Gamecocks on the gridiron, so why not the baseball field?  But I’m skinny now thanks to Weight Watchers and I am much more Auburny.  If Cam does 'tur-uh-bull,' and Coach Pow won’t put me in…hell…lets do what we have to do and bring my buddy Bo Jackson out of the bullpen. He has to have some eligibility left...right?"  

Ray Tanner says at first he was concerned by the move, but he thinks he has the answer.  “We will just make sure to lead off Danny Sheridan (who claims he know who was the bagman for Cam) whenever he pitches.” 

Sheridan (Oddsmaker) claims to know
who the BAG MAN was in the
Cam Newton Saga.

Newton, the former Heisman trophy winner, was not available for comment and asked that all inquiries be directed to his father. 

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Dabo admits that the Gamecocks own the state of South Carolina

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --
Clemson football coach Dabo Swinney has once again jammed his foot in his mouth after trying to sound like a big boy who can use the potty by himself.  In yet another effort to keep his fan base fooled and focused on ANYTHING but the results on the field, Swinney reportedly was quoted as saying, “we (Clemson) are going to take back this state.” 

By definition that means that the state is currently owned by someone else, South Carolina.  Swinney’s quote shocked and confused most of the Clemson fans when they first heard it, as they have been told for months that Clemson was actually in control of things despite being horse-whipped by N. C. State, the Gamecocks and West Virginia. 

Cockabooster contributor and Pelion native Monty “Tiger Paw Pete” Bennet explains:  “When Dabo lied about Spurrier’s comments before, we were told that Clemson was the university of the state, we owned them and were the big brother and all that other nonsense.  Now we hear that the Gamecocks actually own the state.  Dat Boy is just nuts.”

As you would expect, the confusing remarks from Swinney has sent the upstate’s overall-wearing brigade into turmoil.  So far, thousands of tractors have been set on fire and there are rumors of an angry outbreak of sexual assaults on sheep in four upstate counties. 

Clemson Athletics Director Terry Don Joe Bob Billy Ray Edgar Allen Poe Phillips once again was asked to clarify and spin the Coach’s gaffe.  “Old Dabbles was just trying to say that he hopes the only thing Clemson fans will think about is the fact that we won the ACC.  We understand that being the best team in the ACC is like being the world’s finest-smelling catfish but it is what it is.” 

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Top 10 signs that the UT Vols are on the decline

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

10.  Derek Dooley is still their coach. 

9.  “Old Smokey” is now the nickname for the head cheerleader AND the mascot dog. 

8.  Steve Spurrier won’t even make fun of them

7.  Vandy is worried that playing the Vols will hurt their strength of schedule

6.  Even Tommy Moody and Lou Holtz can’t say they are any good.  

5.  Al Gore no longer claims he invented Volunteer Football. 

4.  38 Special is now “too big” to play at the Tennessee State Fair.

3.  Peyton Manning now claims he played for a small school down South.   

2.  Certain parts of Neyland Stadium now being used for affordable housing. 

1.  Even Lane Kiffin looks like a real football coach in comparison

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Vanderbilt Chancellor says the Commodores are focused on Lacrosse, Bowling and Extreme Divinity

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

Vanderbilt Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos
(The Cock-A-Booster cannot understand
why this guy would
not be into college football?)

Vanderbilt University Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos is tired of the myth that Vandy can’t consistently get it done in the men’s major sports. In fact, when they were mentioned in a recent interview it lead to some deep belly laughs.  “Yes, we know some schools in the SEC care about football.  In fact, I believe I read an article in an airport a few weeks ago that mentioned our athletic conference was doing quite well there and in baseball.  They have a niche of fan support, no question, but we are focused on those sports that have more of a national reach like lacrosse and bowling and extreme divinity.  You can’t cut on ESPN on Sunday afternoon and not see a bowling tournament.  That’s national stuff there.” 

When it was pointed out that more revenue follows football than any other sport, Zeppos countered that the Nashville institution was not glamorized by items like money.  “Sure, if more revenue, championships, better facilities, alumni support and television exposure is what you’re after as an athletic department then okay, but we’re after something bigger here.”  

Zeppos says some may disagree with the school’s approach to athletics but the results speak for themselves.  “Sure, some may think of Heisman winners, NFL players and famous coaches as being important to the legacy of a school’s athletic department.  For example, Alabama may have Nick Saban and the current national football championship.  But we have the 2006 Nobel Peace Prize winner, Dr. Muhammad Yunus.  I mean this cat established the Grameen Bank and pioneered the practice of providing micro-loans to the poor.  You tell me what matters more to Athletics.” 

The chancellor closed out his remarks by sarcastically bristling at the notion that the Commodores lack famous athletic alumni.  “Yeah right.  Ever hear of Roger Schurig, Frank Kornet or Sheri Sam???  I think that answers any questions you may have.”  When we pointed out that it might would have been better for him to use  Mark Prior, Jay Cutler or Shelton Quarles, Zeppos finished up his beef jerky and moon pie lunch and stormed out.