THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Dabo admits that the Gamecocks own the state of South Carolina

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --
Clemson football coach Dabo Swinney has once again jammed his foot in his mouth after trying to sound like a big boy who can use the potty by himself.  In yet another effort to keep his fan base fooled and focused on ANYTHING but the results on the field, Swinney reportedly was quoted as saying, “we (Clemson) are going to take back this state.” 

By definition that means that the state is currently owned by someone else, South Carolina.  Swinney’s quote shocked and confused most of the Clemson fans when they first heard it, as they have been told for months that Clemson was actually in control of things despite being horse-whipped by N. C. State, the Gamecocks and West Virginia. 

Cockabooster contributor and Pelion native Monty “Tiger Paw Pete” Bennet explains:  “When Dabo lied about Spurrier’s comments before, we were told that Clemson was the university of the state, we owned them and were the big brother and all that other nonsense.  Now we hear that the Gamecocks actually own the state.  Dat Boy is just nuts.”

As you would expect, the confusing remarks from Swinney has sent the upstate’s overall-wearing brigade into turmoil.  So far, thousands of tractors have been set on fire and there are rumors of an angry outbreak of sexual assaults on sheep in four upstate counties. 

Clemson Athletics Director Terry Don Joe Bob Billy Ray Edgar Allen Poe Phillips once again was asked to clarify and spin the Coach’s gaffe.  “Old Dabbles was just trying to say that he hopes the only thing Clemson fans will think about is the fact that we won the ACC.  We understand that being the best team in the ACC is like being the world’s finest-smelling catfish but it is what it is.”