THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: Vanderbilt Chancellor says the Commodores are focused on Lacrosse, Bowling and Extreme Divinity

THIS IS A "FAKE" STORY - DO NOT TAKE IT TOO SERIOUS!

AUTHOR: RUSTY CRANKSHAFT --

Vanderbilt Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos
(The Cock-A-Booster cannot understand
why this guy would
not be into college football?)

Vanderbilt University Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos is tired of the myth that Vandy can’t consistently get it done in the men’s major sports. In fact, when they were mentioned in a recent interview it lead to some deep belly laughs.  “Yes, we know some schools in the SEC care about football.  In fact, I believe I read an article in an airport a few weeks ago that mentioned our athletic conference was doing quite well there and in baseball.  They have a niche of fan support, no question, but we are focused on those sports that have more of a national reach like lacrosse and bowling and extreme divinity.  You can’t cut on ESPN on Sunday afternoon and not see a bowling tournament.  That’s national stuff there.” 

When it was pointed out that more revenue follows football than any other sport, Zeppos countered that the Nashville institution was not glamorized by items like money.  “Sure, if more revenue, championships, better facilities, alumni support and television exposure is what you’re after as an athletic department then okay, but we’re after something bigger here.”  

Zeppos says some may disagree with the school’s approach to athletics but the results speak for themselves.  “Sure, some may think of Heisman winners, NFL players and famous coaches as being important to the legacy of a school’s athletic department.  For example, Alabama may have Nick Saban and the current national football championship.  But we have the 2006 Nobel Peace Prize winner, Dr. Muhammad Yunus.  I mean this cat established the Grameen Bank and pioneered the practice of providing micro-loans to the poor.  You tell me what matters more to Athletics.” 

The chancellor closed out his remarks by sarcastically bristling at the notion that the Commodores lack famous athletic alumni.  “Yeah right.  Ever hear of Roger Schurig, Frank Kornet or Sheri Sam???  I think that answers any questions you may have.”  When we pointed out that it might would have been better for him to use  Mark Prior, Jay Cutler or Shelton Quarles, Zeppos finished up his beef jerky and moon pie lunch and stormed out.