Thursday, April 19, 2012

THE CRANKSHAFT GAZETTE: This Just In!!...Auburn asks Cam Newton to pitch this weekend!

This story is fake, so do take it too serious!


Auburn Head Coach - John Pawlowski
Having lost 12 straight baseball series to the Gamecocks in recent years, the Auburn Tigers figure Cam Newton is their best hope to stop the trend. 

Tiger head coach John Pawlowski talked about his decision to “call back” Cam Newton from the NFL for the weekend.  “Cam still has all of his baseball eligibility and the Gamecocks seem to get psyched out when he is on the field so why not?  We can’t do any worse!” 

Auburn Baseball has been
"tur--uh-bull" over the years!
Former Auburn Basketball star Charles Barkley says putting Newton on the mound is a good move, but thinks he should have been asked first.  “I mean Cam’s okay and all.  He has proven that he can beat the ever-livin’ crap out of the Gamecocks on the gridiron, so why not the baseball field?  But I’m skinny now thanks to Weight Watchers and I am much more Auburny.  If Cam does 'tur-uh-bull,' and Coach Pow won’t put me in…hell…lets do what we have to do and bring my buddy Bo Jackson out of the bullpen. He has to have some eligibility left...right?"  
Ray Tanner says at first he was concerned by the move, but he thinks he has the answer.  “We will just make sure to lead off Danny Sheridan (who claims he know who was the bagman for Cam) whenever he pitches.” 

Sheridan (Oddsmaker) claims to know
who the BAG MAN was in the
Cam Newton Saga.
Newton, the former Heisman trophy winner, was not available for comment and asked that all inquiries be directed to his father. 

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